06/14/2011 12:23 pm ET Updated Aug 13, 2011

Republican Candidates Unimpressed with Selves

The Republican field for the 2012 presidential nomination is full of choices. But are they good choices? Not according to Republican candidates.

A few weeks ago, the Republican field was empty. Now, there are almost a dozen candidates vying for the nomination. These candidates warn that quantity is no substitute for quality.

"If I were a voter, especially a Republican voter, I would not be happy with myself as an option," said former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. "I mean, I passed universal health care legislation as governor of a state that's bluer than the Crips. Who does that, right?"

In spite of Romney's dubious track record as a conservative and his inscrutable religious beliefs, a recent poll showed him leading the pack of candidates.

"Well, that's not entirely true," Romney said. "I trailed 'undecided' as the number one response in that poll. And that's who I recommend to the average Republican or Independent voter."

While acknowledging Romney's obvious faults as a candidate, YouTube sensation Herman Cain insists that he is far less viable than Romney.

"I'm a black candidate in a Republican race," Cain said. "Let's be serious."

But Newt Gingrich says that he is the least impressive candidate by far.

"I've been out of mainstream politics for 13 years, and I decide to run for the presidential nomination out of the blue," Gingrich said. "Where do I get my balls?"

Veteran political strategist Norm Ornstein believes that the worst is yet to come.

"All of these candidates coming out of the woodwork is going to encourage political novices to run," Ornstein said. "Pretty soon, people with zero political experience, like Joe the Plumber, Kirk Cameron and Sarah Palin, are going to declare."

Originally featured in the The Daily Pygmy.