Every year, millions of pumpkins across the country are brutally disemboweled and dissected into intricate patterns for human amusement. Despite the systematic slaughter, pumpkin suffering remains largely overlooked.
As fruit, pumpkins have little intelligence and are extremely pliable, easily coaxed out of their patches and into short-lived bondage that ends in abject brutality. Pumpkins live a mere 150 days before they are torn from their natural habitat and routinely carved until nothing but a literal and metaphorical shell remains.
"Occupy Wall Street and the marginalization of the middle class is a red herring," said Robin Stegman, an American economist and professor of Economics and International Affairs at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs at Princeton University. "The real tragedy in America is the slavery of an entire race of fruit."
MAPP (Mothers Against Pumpkin Picking), an organization dedicated to upholding the rights of the gourd-like squash, has coordinated a nationwide boycott of pumpkin picking. As a result, demonstrations, marches and pumpkin patch occupations have mobilized across the country, from New England to the Midwest.
"We speak for those who cannot speak for themselves," said May Weatherby, operations director at MAPP. "Pumpkin picking is a medieval practice, and we won't rest until it is a footnote in history books."
Pumpkins were not available for comment since they are fruit.
Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.