07/23/2014 01:01 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How Not to Swear Around Kids

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This is the second day in a row I've forgotten to buy coffee.

Part of me doesn't want to be on the Earth anymore, and the other part is too lazy to go drive anywhere until noon.

Paige Kellerman: Creating vicious cycles in her life since 1984.

The lack of caffeine is making the tedium here a little harder to work through. Spackling walls. Breaking up fights. This summer's starting to feel like I'm interning as a bouncer at a club that's open all day, where all the patrons are addicted to freeze pops.

"Can I have another?"
"That's your 35th one today."
"Just one more. I need it."
"Get the hell outta here!"

OK, I try not to tell them to get the hell out of here, but it's so hard. Now that they're getting a little bigger and running in three different directions, my patience is... how shall we say? Non-existent.

(The funny part of it is that I used to brag about how I was such a patient person. "Why yes, I consider myself ridiculously patient. I wait quietly in lines. I never yell. Swearing is at a minimum. And most people don't want to punch me, even though I'm really good at seeming disinterested when conflict stares me in the face.")

The dirty secret is this: Most of us think we're patient, until we have kids.

OK, some of you still are, but I've found I'm actually not patient at all. I try. We all do. But the fact of the matter is, it's almost impossible not to cuss after you have kids. So, after much research, here are the things that help me...

How Not to Swear Around Kids

1. Don't be around children at all.

2. If you ignored number one, the key here is to pinpoint where your kids are going to be during the day and then go hide.

3. OK, they f***ing found you hiding in the hall closet. The good news is that you found the old Garfield umbrella that's been missing. Wrap it around your face and yell into it. Now go eat some lasagna.

4. Make lunch when everyone's playing outside.

5. The good news is that everyone stayed outside for two minutes. Three people have now stuck their damn hands in the peanut butter. Instead of yelling, "This sh*t's getting ridiculous. Who are you people?", try stuffing a spatula's worth of peanut butter in your own mouth.

6. Look for the milk. You're choking on the f***ing peanut butter.

7. Make a swear jar.

8. All right, who broke the old as sh*t swear jar? So many tiny, f***ing pieces. Who moved the f***ing broom? You put in in the same damn place for a reason.

9. Hit yourself in the mouth with the broom bristles. Keep looking for the piece of sh*t dust pan.

10. Sweep everything up. Hug your kids. Give them a freeze pop. You'll f***ing try again tomorrow.

Follow Paige Kellerman on Twitter or Facebook. You can read about her pregnancy with twins in her first collection of humor, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles.

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