09/19/2013 05:41 pm ET Updated Nov 19, 2013

How to Make Your Next Marriage the Best One (and the Last One)

The ultimate marriage...what does that mean to you? Does it conjure up visions of romance and amazing sex? For many of my clients (and myself too) the definition of the ultimate marriage includes those things but mainly consists of two partners having a sense and presence of deep and enduring love -- the kind that inspires others by expanding their perceptions of what's possible. It's that couple that you can't help noticing and watching and think, "Oh, I so want that". Not because of what they may be doing at the time, but instead because of the amazing energy they have and exude.

Well in order to get "that", you need to first grow and evolve in ways that help you reach the same level required to match "that". In other words, to reach for something great you have to be great. Essentially, however, you are already great -- it's just that you aren't aware of or have experienced that truth yet. At least in a non-egoic way anyway (non-egoic truth is authentic -- egoic truth is not).

So how does one become aware of and experience their greatness so that they may then experience this uniquely fulfilling type of marriage? With homework of course -- personal growth homework to be exact. Ironically, the test is given at the onset and all that is required to pass this test is to do the homework. Or at least a genuine willingness and effort to do it.

So are you ready and willing? If so, here are your assignments:

  • Heal Your Wounds. We all have wounds that affect how we behave and interact within relationships - especially love-based committed ones. Some people may require a little bit of help to discover these wounds. Help is available through counseling, yet interestingly enough the information may be right under your nose. Being in a relationship is like being in a classroom and it's likely that your ex-partner(s) have been the teachers who have pointed out those wounds. Some of us carry many wounds but it's not necessary to absolutely heal ALL of them -- just the ones that are directly impacting you and your next marriage. However it is essential to continue working on healing whichever wounds "come up" during the marriage as well.
  • Change Your Beliefs and Perceptions About Marriage. Our parents generally formulate our earliest beliefs about marriage -- how it's supposed to be and what is possible. We often formulate additional beliefs and perceptions from past relationships as well. In order to tap into what is possible and experience something totally new and awesome, you've got to let go of the old. Plain and simple.
  • Cultivate Independence and Wholeness. Dependency, whether it's co-dependency or a general neediness from another, is your worst enemy. There is nobody outside of yourself who can ever meet your emotional needs to the extent that is fulfilling. Only you can meet those needs and you do so by loving yourself unconditionally and completely. Every bit of love, approval, attention, value and respect that you seek to receive is already within you -- you just need to practice giving it to yourself through your thoughts and actions. You need to change your beliefs and perceptions that you require someone else to complete you.
  • Remember Who You Are (and Who Your Partner Is). This goes hand and hand with being whole. For those in a committed relationship, it's also a reminder that every once in a while you need to look past all the mundane "stuff" that keeps your perception monochromatic and come back to the magic. You know, that magic that you once felt with each other? Well, that magic was real and full of love. And it was that way because you and your partner were real.
  • Be Willing to Keep Your Heart Open. Let go, forgive and love -- simple as that.
  • Create a Marriage Mission Statement. I love this one. Mostly because it requires the two of you to really work together as partners and as co-creators of your future. This mission statement will lay the foundation for days to come. Each of you should ask yourselves, "What do I want this marriage to provide for myself, my partner and others?" and then share and blend your answers into one main statement (one that you both completely agree upon that is).
  • Regularly Re-Commit To Doing The Above Assignments. We are human and certainly aren't perfect no matter how hard we try, so it is necessary every once in a while to get back to the basics. Be open to revisiting an area that you may need to put more effort into.
I assure you, while these assignments may look like a lot of work, they're really not that hard. In fact, chances are if you are divorced, you are already working on at least one already.

Having the ultimate marriage is entirely possible. Once your heart and soul is awakened to that fact, there will be no stopping you.

Pamela works one-on-one with her clients to empower, heal and transform so they may reach their goals of having a loving, joyful and emotionally fulfilling relationship. To find more about Pamela and her services, visit