06/03/2014 11:59 am ET Updated Aug 03, 2014

Reverse the Curse: How to Stop Being a Victim in Your Relationships


When I was a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, I used to believe it was all my fault -- that somehow I was deserving of the abuse. I believed I must have been seriously defective as a person. Why else would my ex-husband treat me this way? Finally, I built up my confidence, courage and inner-strength to leave that relationship. Once done, I realized those beliefs I previously held about myself were actually "in place" long before I became involved with him. I then understood that he was mirroring back those beliefs to me. So I began to accept responsibility for my belief system that led me to choose him as a partner in the first place. This action was incredibly transformative for me. I became far more empowered than I ever thought possible. When I was in that relationship, I mistakenly accepted responsibility for his abusive actions towards me. Now, I understand that I should have been accepting responsibility for my beliefs about myself and the choices I made based upon them instead.

Once empowered, I was no longer a victim of him or of any situation or circumstance. I was the one in charge. I made the choice and in accepting that, I can make a new one -- one that uplifts and supports my true worth and value as a person. Yes, I made mistakes in my past choices due to my old beliefs. Yet, it was because of these mistakes that I learned a great deal about myself, my worth, my value and that I deserved good in my life. In understanding and accepting this hidden blessing, I was able to completely reverse the curse -- moving me out of being a victim and into being a victor.

Here are the four steps I followed to reverse the curse:

  1. Accept responsibility. The only way to stop feeling like you are a victim is to accept responsibility for choosing to be in this situation. On some level, for some reason, you chose to be in it. Maybe because you needed to learn some lesson about yourself (one that would reveal the awesomeness of you - not a punishment). Maybe because you needed to realize how strong you really are. Maybe because you needed to shed some old beliefs and habits you have about yourself that hurt you. Whatever the reason, you still made that choice to be in this situation. You must believe that and accept responsibility for making that choice in order to reverse the curse. Once you accept responsibility for your choices, you open up to new and different perceptions about yourself, the situation and anyone else involved. When done, don't forget to forgive yourself (this is crucial).
  2. Ask why. I used to tell my clients and students to stop asking, "Why me?" but I realized that this is actually a great way to dive deeper into truly understanding the situation. But don't ask, "Why is this happening to me?". Instead ask, "Why is this happening for me?" and "What lesson is being taught to me by this person/situation?". This will allow for a deeper revelation to occur that will help you understand what it is in you that needs to change in order to reverse the curse.
  3. Trust yourself. Deep within lies a part of you that is looking to this situation and the person/people involved to show or teach you something -- whether it's about you or about life in general. That part of you needs to be a victim so you can see and learn. This need to be a victim so you may see and learn is based on a lack of trust in yourself. When you have trust in yourself, you release the need to be a victim.
  4. Stop complaining. Complaining is the most negative-inducing thing you can do and will keep you from reversing the curse every time. When you complain, you are a victim. Period. Think about it: If empowered people accept responsibility for their choices, even if that choice is to be in a horrible situation, they have no need to complain. Instead, their attention and energy will go to the root of the problem by asking why they needed to be in that situation. This will reveal the answer to how they can stop this situation now and also from occurring again.

By following these steps, my life became rich and full with all the goodness I deserve. I know you will find that, too. However, there is one saboteur you'll need to watch out for and that is your ego. Your ego will tell you these steps won't work. Your ego will tell you to keep your beliefs, to stay being a victim or to resist all efforts to change. Your ego will tell you that you are right and these steps are wrong. Your ego will keep you in a narrow point of view. The way around your ego is to be willing to open your mind to new and different ideas, beliefs and points of view. When you are willing to open your mind in this way, you are truly free to reverse the curse.

Visit Pamela's various self-help products at In addition to presenting several workshops and classes, Pamela also offers private sessions via phone or in-person. Visit for more information.