THE BLOG
11/20/2013 02:38 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2014

Why It May Be So Hard For You To Let Go

"All suffering is caused either by an attachment to a positive outcome or an avoidance of a negative one. " -- Jafree Oswald

There are many individual patterns that can interfere with our ability to truly let go of a partner. With the exception of genuine psychological/mental disorders, I have come to the conclusion that these patterns merely represent our need for learning how to let go. Think about it. Have you ever actually been taught how to let go? Most people haven't.

So how do you let go? Well you must first start with a willingness to do so. Sounds simple enough, right? Well believe it or not many people genuinely are not willing. They want to hold on for dear life -- and in most cases this is born from fear. In other cases, they may do so because they thrive on the drama, attention or power that holding on gives them. In the first instance, being willing to let go means they must face their fears of change in their life. In the second instance, being willing to let go means they will actually change themselves (by changing their behaviors and who they identify themselves as).

So what do you do once you are willing to let go? Remove any personal blocks to your success is paramount. I have compiled a list of the most common blocks (or patterns) which may hold you back:

  1. Misunderstanding of Love. Many, when asked why they can't let go, have responded "because I love her! (or him)". If that's been your answer, you've got something to learn about love. Love isn't possessiveness and it doesn't promise you your marriage or relationship will be forever. Love is free and it just...well....is. Love exists everywhere all the time. So, you can't own love. You can only give and receive love by letting it move through you. Love is always present, whether you know it or not. There is no lack of love -- it's just our beliefs, perceptions and misunderstanding that there is a lack. Understand that you will always love that person (even when you hate them) and you will love others too. Over time in your separation, your love for them will simply start drifting from your awareness as your "love attention" starts to go elsewhere.
  2. Your Ego. Your ego (or alter-ego as I like to refer to it) is that evil side of you which puts you in alternating states of fear, worthlessness or grandiosity -- all wrapped up in juicy drama. In these states, you are living an illusion. None of them are real. Ever. Yes, it's true you may feel these things but they don't reflect reality. You aren't better or worse than anyone else, nor are you in danger. Think about it. Thinking about it will help you overcome it.
  3. Emotional Misunderstanding. This is parallel to your ego. Whatever emotion you are experiencing from your separation, it's important to understand that they are just emotions and do not reflect reality. Sure, you may feel a sense of loss but in truth, you didn't lose anything because you never owned it. Important side note: In dealing with your emotions, you must be careful not to seek rescuing. Nobody -- especially your ex -- has the power to make you feel better. Only you do. So be sure that you aren't looking to anyone to emotionally rescue you. Search instead for a leader/teacher/counselor who will serve to empower you by showing you how to properly navigate your emotions.
  4. Lack Of Trust. This is the critical to letting go and often at the root of peoples' issues. I am not referring here to a lack of trusting another person. I am referring here to a lack of trusting in life. Sure, you may have your reasons for not trusting in life. "Bad" things may have happened to you in the past - maybe even horrific ones. But every day is a gift -- the gift of a fresh, new day in which awesome and amazing things can happen. And with this gift comes another gift of choice to trust that life is good and that life is on your side. Even if it appears to be taking you in a direction you don't want to go. By trusting life, you will trust that going in that direction is what's best for you in the long run. So know that you can choose to let go of the past and trust in life to take you to where you will truly be happy and joyful. Or you can choose to hold on and not trust, and remain stuck in your suffering. It's up to you.

Above all, please know that when working on your letting go process, it's best to find time to return to laughter, humor and light-heartedness whenever you can. The letting go process can feel heavy and as much as you may not want it to, feel dramatic. Try to catch yourself when you get too serious about it all and give yourself a good dose of humor. Laugh at yourself and the situation once in a while. It will give you a better perspective and help you feel much lighter (and less dramatic) about it all.

Pamela works one-on-one with her clients to empower, heal and transform so they may reach their goals of having a loving, joyful and emotionally fulfilling relationship. To find more about Pamela and her services, visit www.PassageToInnerJoy.com