02/29/2012 03:25 pm ET Updated Apr 30, 2012

Is Cosmetic Plastic Surgery Really Necessary? Almost Never.

I have thin lips. Putting lipstick on me is like putting lipstick on a goat. I don't enjoy having goat lips. I'd like to have full lips, but somehow in the womb, my DNA blueprint read: thin lips, skinny legs, small blue eyes, red hair, Jimmy Durante nose (although I'm almost positive he wasn't my daddy), really small boobs, straight teeth, toe fungus later in life.

I was never happy that I had to wear a training bra until I was in my early 20s (when I progressed to an A cup), and I didn't grow into my nose until I developed jowls. By the time my boobs were full (because they plump up after menopause, but I'm not sure scientists have discovered exactly why), I was a grown-up with a rubber tummy and Joan Crawford shoulders (she wore shoulder pads, mine are just broad bones covered with clown muscles that came out of nowhere after I turned 50).

The bottom line is I could use some work, but I don't like knives, I hate needles, and I don't want someone to inject Jell-O into my lips. I'm not ugly, and I'm not a beauty. I don't have Angelina Jolie's face with those beautiful full lips or that fairly attractive skinny right leg; I don't have Jennifer Aniston's gorgeous legs and arms and flat stomach but I don't want Brad Pitt so I'm good.

If I got a face lift and had liposuction, I would look like someone who had a bad experience in the barn yard. It would go bad, I just know it. I've seen bad plastic surgery and the "after" is much worse than the "before." If it could go wrong, it would go wrong on me. I just have that kind of luck.

I can't even stand it that girls/women in their 20's, 30's and 40's are getting cosmetic plastic surgery and Botox injections these days. There's no reasonable explanation. Really. Yes, I get breast enhancements, but the rest of the body doesn't need to be tweaked, twisted and tampered with. People who get cosmetic plastic surgery are looking for perfection. Nobody's perfect.

If it were legal to run around in public naked, trust me, nobody would.

Post surgery, you may feel better for 20 minutes, but once the novelty wears off, there's an old saying: "Wherever you go, there you are." Your body may seem new, but your "troubles" will follow you no matter where you go. If your boss is a jackass, he won't perk up after you return to the office with enhancements. You'll still want to let the air out of his tires.

Life is still going to be filled with jerks. And jerks hate perfect bodies so they'll mistreat you and find ways to make you feel bad about your beautiful self by messing with your mind.

There's always going to be someone prettier than you are. Always. Who is the most beautiful woman alive? Jennifer Lopez... according to People magazine, and don't they pretty much have a lock on knowing who's beautiful? And who has a chance of dating her? Not your man. One day she'll be old, and there will be another Most Beautiful Woman Alive. And who will have a chance of dating her? Not your man.

"Beauty is in the mind of the beholder,"... another great saying. My husband, Buffoon, doesn't think Angelina Jolie is beautiful. He needs glasses, but so what? I'm not saying he thinks I'm a knock-out, but he did marry me back in the day when I looked fairly attractive. He does find other women very attractive. Believe me, I'm totally insecure about the woman who lives in my neighborhood who is 20 years younger, prettier, flirts with Buff (which makes him feel good about himself even though he has a spare tire around his waist and chest), and she bakes, but if I go under the knife, that won't make her less pretty and won't make me 20 years younger. He'll still know how old I am, and I'll still hate her for looking so good and wearing those short shorts so tight they could strangle a gecko (and I hate her cookies). There are hundreds of nice-looking women that are floating around every neighborhood in this country, and if I succumb to the knife to compete, there will still be women out there who make me look like Marge Simpson.

And if he leaves me one day for someone younger and prettier with the intention of having really good sex, then he'll find out real fast that she's shallow and is probably a screamer.

I could name off a few celebrities who have had bad experiences with plastic surgery, but I don't want to hurt their feelings. They know. It makes me sad for them. If they have a happy family life, then that's what counts. Looks are fleeting no matter who you are, so remember: The important people in your life are those who love you unconditionally.

We all have mirrors. When we look in the mirror, who do we see? We see who we are. How other people see us, is irrelevant.