01/24/2012 05:17 pm ET Updated Mar 25, 2012

Boomer on Board: May-December Marriages

"Oh, it's a long, long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
And the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
And I haven't got time for the waiting game..."
-- "September Song"

May-December marriages usually just don't work. I don't judge. I just present the facts.

I recently heard about an 86-year-old famous, talented actor/comedian (whose initials are DVD) who is engaged to a 39-year-old little girl. I've adored this comedian for decades! I watched his classic television show for years and have seen almost all of his movies. He's a charming autumn leaf; his fiancée is an adorable Chia pet. Chia pets are only fun for about 10 minutes after you marry them. The novelty wears off.

Can you trust a stranger this one time? Hear me out. Women under 40 are... 39 and younger.

When you begin a conversation about the good ol' days with your buddies, she's not going to recognize the name Guy Lombardo... and she most likely never heard him play "Auld Lang Syne" on a New Year's Eve. She was 12 when dentists stopped using uranium in dental porcelains. You were 59. "I was 59, she was 12." Say it. "When I was 52, she was five." Say it.

Romantic love fades. Sexual appetite fades. Memory fades. Energy levels diminish dramatically after one hits the half-century mark. "Jeremiah Peabody's Poly Unsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills" won't really soothe all your aches and pains or cure all your ills and give you a sudden boost of energy. Ray Stevens was kidding.

God bless people who reach the age of 86. God bless those who turn 39. But are these two age groups meant to be married to each other? Only if they're turtles. Turtles most always look the same age and don't have to discuss pop culture and music with each other.

I'm not trying to be a busy-body. I'm just trying to be the voice of reason. Live together as friends with benefits.

I don't want to go through the names of past May-December marriages that didn't last because that's just tacky. I do realize that there are lots of marriages that go belly up that have nothing to do with age differences. (It's usually because of some sort of off-the-wall incompatibility issue like: one is a cheater or they start wanting to listen to different radio stations and can't come to terms on the temperature controls inside the car while on an 8-hour trip to a relative's house.)

Since I'm zeroing in on this May-December marriage, let's move on with a little pop culture and musical compatibility quiz to test the generation gap here.

For him:
1. "ALF" is an acronym for what?
2. Name one hit song by David Cassidy.
3. What was Duran Duran's last name? (Trick question)
4. What color socks did Donny Osmond like to wear on "The Donny & Marie Show"?
5. What was Bobby Ewing's bad wet dream about? (Hint: He lived in Dallas.)

For her
1. Which famous blonde singer left Les Brown & His Band of Renown to begin a solo singing career? (Hint: "Que Sera Sera")
2. Fibber McGee and Molly were:
A. The names of Jackie Gleason's cats.
B. A married couple who had their own radio show back in the '30s, '40s and '50s.
C. Metamucil tablets.
3. How many "original" Three Stooges were there?
4. What coin was usually inserted in penny loafers?
5. Clarabell the Clown was famous for being on what children's television show in the 1950s?

"Who's the funniest clown we know?
Who's the clown on Howdy's show?
His feet are big, his tummy's stout,
But we could never do without,
Clara, Clara, Clarabell!

Who has fuzzy-wuzzy hair?
It's partly red but mostly bare.
And since the day that he was born,
He's honked and honked and honked his horn.
Clara, Clara, Clarabell!"

But seriously, I really do wish you two love, happiness and many years of wedded bliss. As the great comedian Red Skelton used to say, "May God bless."

Doris Day is single.

(This article was meant to be humorous and lighthearted. Any negative reaction is strictly in the mind of the beholder/reader.)

Say "Goodnight Gracie."