05/24/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

10 Lesser-Known Ailments Now Covered By Our Socialist Overlords

John Boehner is right.

A true American patriot, Boehner was the only one willing to ask the most important questions as our nation sunk deeper into the nightmare of affordable health care for all.

"Have you read the bill? Have you read the reconciliation bill? Have you read the manager's amendment? HELL NO YOU HAVEN'T!"


Well, I have. All 2,400+ pages of it. Am I a wonk?


I'm just a guy with a lot of free time and a solid wireless connection.

And take it from me, what you'll find is frightening.

What President Barack Obama wants you to believe is that the bill will provide health care for some 32 million uninsured citizens by 2019 while reducing federal deficits by $143 billion over the next ten years, but that's just window dressing.

Don't be fooled by the pretty bows and wrapping paper. Just because insurers won't be able to deny children with pre-existing medical conditions, seniors who fall into the "doughnut hole" gap will get a $250 rebate, and lifetime dollar limits on coverage will be banned doesn't mean that this isn't a bill filled with crazy budget-busting giveaways.

The devil, per usual, staked his pitchfork in the details.

This bill is rife with expensive solutions to health-related problems you probably weren't even aware existed. I've combed through this thing line-by-line and pulled out the ten most egregious medical conditions now covered by the hardworking taxpayers. I'm doing it in hopes that we can still salvage this once great country as it slips deeper into a Marxist/Communist/Nazist/Socialist/Anarchist/TeaPartiest/Totalitarianist/Wellnessist cesspool.


Mark my words, if you've got it, we're paying for it.

1. Piratical Maladies: Thanks to the shadowy, but highly influential, Somali Swashbucklers lobby, all pirate-related ailments are now fully covered by Uncle Sam. This includes, but is not limited to, uncapped lime access, carbon-fiber prosthetic peglegs and hooks, avian "parrot flu" shots, and free psychiatric care for captains suffering from "Crocodile Clock" psychosis.

2. Legislative Affective Disorder: Many cry boo-hoo when the leaves fall from the trees, but there is a smaller group out there that suffers from depression that comes from ignoring the seasonal outside world for C-SPAN. The latest research has found that suffering is most acute when the words "freedom," "liberty," "Yankee aggression" and "die quickly" are used to explain why it's the American way for cancer victims to go bankrupt.

3. The Fats: Billions upon billions are being spent to find a cure for a national disease simply known as "The Fats." The origins of this national pandemic are as yet unknown, but scientists believe it is The Andromeda Strain come to life. Although in this case, the strain itself appears to be melted cheese.

4. Moob Reduction Surgery: A nasty side affect of "the Fats," moobs will affect one in every three men you'll see at the beach this summer. Studies have proven that previous cures such as "push-ups" and "bench presses" were found to be too exotic for American males, so a last-minute deal was struck to include an "ittier bittier tittier" reduction rider in the health care bill.


5. Feet Stank Syndrome: The official medical term for this woefully neglected ailment is pedis rancidus stinkus, more commonly known as "feet stank." It took a lot of backroom wheeling-and-dealing to find money to combat the smelly affliction, as there was fierce opposition from the powerful Aesculapian leader Dr. Scholls.

6. That Thing Ace Ventura & His Oft-Naked Girlfriend Preach: It may not be science, but it is celebrity and thus worthy of further taxpayer-funded analysis. In a related corollary, Uncle Sam will be delivering a block grant to the Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy Institute to Re-eliminate Cowpox.

7. Baby Killing Amendment: This is not to be confused with the Randy Neugebauer-taunting-Bart Stupak on the floor of the House silliness, but rather a government program to eliminate more babies. No, not the cute ones. Just the freaky-looking infants parents keep trying to pawn off as "adorable" instead of "alienish."

8. John Boehner Oompa-Loompa Task Force: Is Boehner a supporter of the money being set aside to cure his peculiar skin condition? HELL NO! But the Democrats believe that too many of our citizens are turning orange for no good reason. They want to put an end to it before its too late. Could America live with itself if an entire generation of seemingly healthy white men fell victim to this dreaded disease and vanished like the great lost tribe of the Oompa-Loompas? HELL NO!


9. Permanent Joker Face
: This curious infirmity leaves an enormous perma-smile on the faces of those who look upon their defeated enemies. It's a smile that says both "I could not be any happier than I am right now" and "I'm the master, bow down you weak-willed servants." Sadly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi appears to have been struck by the illness over the weekend.

10. Joe "F*cking" Biden Tourette Syndrome:
We must combat the chronic problem of older gentlemen who drop delightfully wonderful and totally relevant F-Bombs on national television. Won't somebody think of the children? Seriously, people.

This is a big fucking deal.