What is wrong with men?
Take Anthony Weiner. He had had a good shot to be the next mayor of New York City, before he flushed his future down the toilet like a faulty condom because he can't stop texting images of his penis. Then he complains that we're complaining about his behavior. You just want to smack the bastard.
He's just one example. San Diego mayor Bob Filner lurches zombie-like towards women with a Cheshire Cat smile and an English bulldog's slobber. Silvio Berlusconi? Insert your own joke here, but make sure it includes the words 'Bunga Bunga'. Dominique Strauss-Kahn launches himself like a cruise missile out of Manhattan hotel bathrooms. Eliot Spitzer. Mark Sanford. I could go on and on, and so did they. But why?
Let's take a step back. The Sexual Revolution was a great thing. It was liberating. It made people more tolerant of different orientations and lifestyles. It allowed them to see each other naked before they got married -- in my view, a vital step in our social evolution. But along the way, some men seem to have lost their minds.
More precisely, some men have lost any notion of how they should behave. The lid's come off the id and the mess will ruin more than the furniture.
The idea is, if you're a schmuck who's just a little bit famous, wealthy or powerful, then pretend you're living in a porno. So the first few minutes of any encounter with a female is just the obligatory prelude to the jacuzzi scene.
What is it that makes some men think that if a woman accepts their Facebook friend request, she's ready for Sexy time, Borat-style? Terminal optimism? An embrace of the precious moment? Does playing Whack-a-Mole with female sexuality allow some men to achieve the Power of Now?
Look, I'm no judgmental prude. I've been out there. I've done things, heck yeah. But at some point you have to let go of the joystick if you want to Get Stuff Done. Above all, you have keep your privates in your private life.
And that's really the issue. This isn't just a problem with men. It's a problem with us.
For all his silliness, I think that Anthony Weiner really thought - not in his brain, but in his heart and in his pants -- that his actions were private and would remain between him and his sext partners. But privacy is dead. Anything we do is out there. Politicians have no private lives and neither do we.
So we must behave religiously - as if God were watching our every move while ready to expose our transgressions with damning photos tweeted from heaven, plunging us into the hell of late-night comic ridicule. Except if it's not God, it's Mark Zuckerberg or your boss, or your mother or the NSA.
I believe men need a new sexual ethos, a principle that dares to assert that less is more. Like, spend less time being a complete freaking idiot and you might end up with more money, more self-respect and maybe even more success with the ladies.
For the incorrigibles, cruder measures are in order. They just want the sensation of orgasm, so why not give it to them on demand? Like medieval nuns wore chastity belts, chronic womanizers could wear Ejaculation Briefs under their trousers. These devices would monitor men's social activities. And whenever those men are on the verge of taking a picture of their little amigo doing his best hand-stand, the iJac™ would go into action. A few quick grunts and perv pics prevented.
But there's an alternative to behaving religiously or ridiculously.
It seems to me that women have rarely enjoyed the luxury of the Kennedy-esque distinction between public rectitude and private hanky-panky. You didn't hear about them being president and sleeping on the side with Joe DiMaggio. Their bodies have long been limbs of the body politic. Their sexuality was and in many places remains their reputation. Their privates were and are public.
So women have had centuries of experience keeping their pubic hair out of the public arena. When they fooled around, they had to be smart about it -- otherwise it was off to the nunnery, the asylum or even the stake.
The irony is truly grand. Men now find themselves in the same position as women. It used to be that men could fool around on and off the job -- just watch Mad Men sometime. But now the old double standard of masculine virility and female modesty is fading. Men's bodies have also become appendages of the social-media monster. That's why the Weiners of the world are in such ferocious denial. They don't know how to react.
So ladies, you're going to have to help us out. You have to teach us how to be smart and discreet. How to keep our privates private and our public lives productive.
And while you're at it, could you build a bridge to the moon? Thanks.