02/27/2012 05:20 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

GOP Yoga Poses of Strong Resolve


1. Suck it Salutation, or "The Bird": With legs shoulder-width apart and arms extended, slowly curl in all fingers except for the middle-most digits on each hand. Extend the middle fingers to their maximum length and throw back the head in brave defiance of all of America's enemies, real and imagined.


2. Downward Facing No Compromise with the Liberal Running Dog Pose: Emerging from the Suck it Salutation bend at the hips and reach forward across the aisle and grab the feet of the whiney Democrat across from you. Pull him briskly under your hips, rotate his head and grind his right eye into the yoga mat. Inhale and chant "bipartisan" four times.


3. C.O.B.R.A. Expiration Pose: Ignoring your liberal partner's pleas that his health insurance has been cancelled, firmly grasp his left arm and wrench it from its socket. Ask him now if he is willing to modify his position on the Obama Administration's health care plan. Once again chant "bipartisan".


4. Tar Sands Crane Pose (with Arizona Alternative for advanced students): Rising out of C.O.B.R.A. Expiration and lifting the right leg, beckon toward Canada with the right arm as if to draw in the Keystone Pipeline in and under your buttocks. Alternative for advanced students: While drawing in the Keystone with the right arm extend the left outward pushing both solar energy and illegal immigrants south across Arizona's border.


5. Kiss your Ashtanga Goodbye: Hearing of an impending nuclear strike from Kim Jong-un, a Chinese moon-landing, the default of the Euro, and the implosion of the New York Stock Exchange, slowly, bring your head down through your outstretched legs and approach the lower most sphincter with puckered lips. You know what to do from here.


illustrations by John Donohue