11/20/2013 03:54 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2014

Noisemakers in the Cinema: What to Do

Raise your hand if you have ever been tortured by popcorn eaters at the movies. Is it possible to eat popcorn quietly? Perhaps if you took fingerfulls instead of dropping your paw in there like it was the business end of a steam shovel it might be tolerable. And what is up with the guys who have to pour the popcorn in their mouths like a giant soft drink that sounds like a land slide?

And they don't do it when there's a car chase, or during Armageddon in New York City. No, they wait for the quietest moments to perform their munching out like a cement mixer or a stone crusher. You want to get up and dump the popcorn on the floor or pour some liquid into it to make less crunchy.

But, that would be rude and although they are being rude with their incessant munching and crunching, it would be unsavory as well as un-Christian to match rude with these unconscious cretins.

What can be done about this to save those of us who desire to hear everything in a movie? We could rent a movie and see them at home, but that would deprive us of the big screen experience. Although, very few of the cineplexes today have true big movie screens the way they used to be.

This is what I propose. Popcorn, candy and soft drinks, unless they have no ice, free zones. These would be areas in the theater where offensive, noisemaking snacks or food would be prohibited. In order to ensure peace and quiet in these areas there would be at least a four-seat and two-row buffer zone separating the noisy eaters from the cinephiles.

In order to make this a financially viable option for cineplex owners, perhaps there could be a tax levied on the noise makers. Make them pay more if they want to disturb the peace. The cinephiles, in the snack-free zones, would get the appreciation they deserve from the owners by truly appreciating the cinema experience and the owners would never have to clean up after them thus saving them money and justifying the fine on the slobovias in the snack section.

Let's start a movement. The next time your senses are accosted by a snacker, let the management know that you have an alternative to this behavior. Demand a snack-free zone. I'll be sitting with you.