02/14/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

White House Damage Check

It was wise of Obama to bring all of those former Presidents together, if for no other reason, to do a walk through of the White House, so that he doesn't get blamed for any damage already done.

I've never seen the first family's living quarters. Oh, there's been a holiday special or two where Laura Bush or somebody takes you through the home, with a holiday smile, but surely we're not seeing the real deal. Someone has obviously snatched the underwear off the Stair Master just before they gave the television viewers a peek.
If there's any place that has plenty of art to hang over unsightly holes in the walls or soda spills on the carpet, it's the White House. It's suspicious when there's an unflattering portrait, like Mamie Eisenhower in curlers, hanging only 1.5 feet off the floor.

There's been a lot of tenants in that place. There's got to have been a lot of wear and tear: orange hair dye, that Reagan never used, around the sink; fuzz from Carter's sweaters in the vents. Are you gonna tell me that Amy Carter never colored on the walls? A little girl in a house with a blue room?

I have cats of my own. Is it possible that Socks didn't tear up something like an ottoman hand stitched by Dolly Madison? Or that one of the Bushes happy hunting dogs didn't chew the legs off of a duck that Teddy Roosevelt stuffed all by himself?

George Bush Senior threw up on the head Japanese guy. Do you think he hasn't ralphed in the Oval Office? The shape alone could throw of a guy's equilibrium. They should check the rug.

Would you be surprised it they found peep holes drilled in the walls of the master bath or "Tennessee sucks," etched behind the Zachary Taylor portrait? I wouldn't.
These new tenants should photo-document every square inch of that place, before they sign a thing. I don't even think putting down shelf paper would be a waste of Michelle's time, at this point.

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