I've been reading Finding your North Star by Martha Beck. She has an interesting insight about talking to the parts of your body that are stuck, tense or numb, and seeing what they say. I will try that now.
What is going on?
I am so so sad. I am tired of you trying to replace sadness with action, to find a way to escape me by being busy. It's enough already. I just want to rest. Let go of all the fancy poses, of all the career ladder climbing. Rest in love and just let me heal for God's sakes. It's enough that your parents split and you didn't give me time then to deal with the sadness. Let me feel it now. I'm tired of holding in all this sadness. Let it flow.
Why so stiff?
I'm trying to keep the sadness from coming up to your consciousness. If I stay really stiff, you won't feel how sad and lost and lonely you are, and you will keep achieving. I'm getting tired though. I hurt and really just want to relax.
Fear fear fear! I'm afraid! Dad is leaving and it's my fault. I'm going to be alone. I am a terrible daughter, a terrible person. I should just give up now. I really should just die. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm tired of trying. I am clenched up so tight because I'm afraid that I will be destroyed. The anger and the pain around me is so scary I don't know what to do. My dad just told my mom he doesn't love her anymore. I have to be careful because I'm just like my mom, so if I'm myself nobody will love me. I should try really hard to be someone different. I should really just diet and lose all this weight, then I will be beautiful and people will love me. That is what I need to do. As long as I control everything around me I will be ok. That is my plan.
I want to be free. I want to run. I want to jump high and float up into the sky. I need to release all this pain that is keeping me stuck. I want to let go and rest and fly. I am tired of being afraid. I have power and beauty and I can taste them. I need to stop trying so hard to be what others want me to be.
I don't know how to be if I'm not trying to be what others want me to be.
Give me time, I will show you. Love me and that will be the way. Stop trying to be somewhere you're not. Things will happen on their own time. You are enough.