08/21/2013 11:05 am ET Updated Oct 21, 2013

Dadmissions: Listing Life's Lessons

Everything fits better in a list. I make lists. I alphabetize my lists.
Here are some life lessons I need to teach my kids in a handy list...

Abercrombie and Fitch clothes should fit people of "all" sizes.

Boxers vs. Briefs is irrelevant now that there are boxer-briefs.

Cell phones should be used for phone calls and not sexting.

Drama is great on the stage and a drag in real life, since no one needs it.

Each of us has the ability to make society a better place.

Family is more important than anything. Friendship is a close second.

Gun violence needs to stop, whether you're pro-gun or not.

Hello Kitty is pushing 40 and still looks freakin' fabulous for her age.

iPads, iPods, and iPhones have changed the way we all live.

Justin Bieber will realize one day what a punk he is.

Keeping up with the Kardashians isn't worth the trouble.

Lifetime Movies always have a twist, a man killer and a woman hero.

M&M peanuts are the standard-bearer by which all candy is measured.

Nice guys don't always have to finish last (see: me).

Octopussy is the most non-PC, uncomfortable sounding, 007 movie title.

Performance-enhancing drugs are nothing more than cheating.

Quentin Tarantino films are meant to be watched, not always understood.

Reality TV is usually faker than anything resembling reality.

Starbucks coffee is worth the $1.95 cup for a grande.

Texting and driving can kill innocent people, so don't do it.

Underoos in super hero designs should be made for moms and dads.

Vacation movies with Chevy Chase are worth every minute.

Water in bottles is basically paying for what the Earth gave us for free.

Xavier Roberts thought it necessary to sign the bums of Cabbage Patch Kids.

Yogi Bear proved animals and humans can live together in "pic-a-nik" harmony.

Zero times is the number of times you should disrespect your parents.

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