10/16/2012 06:38 pm ET Updated Dec 16, 2012

Dadmissions: Warehouse Clubs

This just in -- transcripts revealed from the first-ever board of directors meeting from first-ever warehouse club:

Board member #1: I am thinking of something big. Really big. Normal size isn't good enough any more.

Board member #2: Really big sir? Like big discounts? Like convenience?

Board member #1: Really big... like big sizes, big lines, big bills. Really big like it won't fit into a normal size car or SUV big. Really big like it will stuff a shopping cart and then we won't bag the items because the world hasn't made a bag that's big enough yet.

Board member #3: Wow. Really big. Like a three-pack of Ketchup?

Board member #1: Really big... like a 50-gallon oil drum of ketchup. Two of them. Tied together with one of those plastic ties so you buy two 50-gallon drums at once, enough ketchup to power a family's ketchup usage for fifteen or twenty years!

Board member #4: But sir, who is possibly buying something that big??

Board member #1: People who think they're saving two dollars if they spend a hundred dollars on two 50-gallon drums of something.

Board member #3: So we get them to SPEND much, much, much more by convincing the people they're saving? Genius!

Board member #1: And we'll offer them free samples!

Board member #2: Samples, sir?

Board member #1: Yes, samples. Samples of everything. And I mean everything. They'll be forced to crawl up and down each aisle like sheep for fear of missing a free chicken nugget, a free cup of trail mix, or a free anything that can be cooked on a counter top toaster oven and then cut down into ten tiny pieces by people wearing those attractive cafeteria hair nets.

Board member #5: But sir... If they're already buying a box with 125 individual pouches of trail mix, why would they wait in line to get a sample of the same stuff for free?

Board member #1: Bingo. They'll WANT to wait in line for the same free stuff because they'll feel like they're getting a bargain when they then pay $450.00 for the same stuff at the register.

Board member #6: A food warehouse. I'm liking this idea.

Board member #1: Not just food. We'll confuse people with a bunch of random things that could NEVER possibly go together -- like tires, eyeglasses, prescription drugs, garage doors, vacations, swing sets, pools, and whatever else.

Board member #7: So it's a big, big store of nothing!

Board member #1: It's a big, big store of nothing specific. Well actually it IS something specific... We sell BIG. Not big bargains or big discounts... Just BIG!

Board member #8: Genius!

Board member #1: And we'll keep the customers moving fast by having 35 lanes to pay for purchases and then only ONE person at the door with a magic marker and a magnifying glass to try and comb over each purchase like Sherlock Holmes.

Board member #9: What should we call the store?

Board member #1: How about SpendCo. Or CashCo. Something in the title that's so obvious people will HAVE to realize that it's gonna be pricey just to walk in! Let's pick a title at the next board meeting.