In yet another dramatic revelation flowing out of whistleblower Edward Snowden, a journalism textbook from 1983 has been sent to several large media outlets, including the Washington Post, New York Times and the trailer park where Fox News is thought to originate.
"To say we're shocked is an insult to electricity," said a spokesperson from the Post while speaking with the media, who refused to give his name because he was not authorized to speak with the media. "We had no idea. Not a clue."
"For example, it says here that 'journalists' are supposed to gather facts, analyze them, and then 'report' what they learned," stated an unnamed former somebody. "This flies in the face of our current practice of transcribing what government officials tell us anonymously and then having someone read that aloud on TV. We are still trying to find out more about the 'analyze' function of journalism, but Wikipedia is down right now. Anyway, we blame the liberals."
Fox News went on to say that a chapter in the book about naming sources so that readers themselves could judge the value and veracity of the information "just came from Mars" as far as the organization is concerned. "I mean, if we named our sources, they'd be held accountable for what they say, you know, and I doubt we'd have much access to the big boys after that. We'd have to start hiring people just to go out and gather news, maybe outside the office even, instead of just from the web. Something like 90 percent of our content comes from press releases from ersatz think tanks controlled by PR firms. Our whole business model would have to change. And that thing about 'questioning' what the government says? How are we supposed to do that? Who do they think we are?"
New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, speaking on behalf of the paper from his soundproof bubble, explained, "That J-school book is potentially a game changer, if you believe it is not just another disinformation scheme. For example, how credible is this bit -- it says that simply getting two quotes from two sources that 100 percent contradict each other isn't what reporting is. So here, in my latest column, where I have Obama saying 'healthcare.gov is good,' and Sarah Palin saying 'no, it stinks,' somehow is wrong? Give me a break."
Multiple sources say, however, that the single most shocking thing to emerge from the leaked textbook is that "news" and "journalism" are supposed to inform, enlighten and educate people, an essential part of our democracy, and are not simply another form of entertainment.
The spokesperson from the Washington Post was blunt: "That's just not true. Anyway, here's another cute cat picture."