12/15/2014 04:04 pm ET Updated Feb 14, 2015

Helpful Dieting Tips

All my life I've been hearing people talk about their diets and frankly, it bored me to tears. I had never dieted, as I am a cardio junky, and had always burned more calories than necessary to remain reasonably thin. And then, about a year and a half ago, I got a job as a staff writer for The Arsenio Hall Show. Great job, great boss, making a beautiful dollar, would love to still be doing it but the show, sadly, was cancelled after about a year. The only downside was that we worked such long hours that I went from going to the gym six or seven days a week, to going just one or two days a week, on the weekends. So I'm sitting on my butt, writing jokes all day and not exercising. Oh yeah, and pretty much every day it's someone's birthday or someone just had a baby, or they just donated a kidney or whatever and emails went out saying "Cupcakes in the kitchen," or "Pizza in the conference room." It became obvious that while working in an office, one could live entirely on pizza, cupcakes and birthday cake, and never have to spend a penny on food. And you wouldn't have to save for retirement, as your heart would explode within a few years anyway.

So I was working at this great job and turned into a fat slob in no time. And for the first time in my life, I actually dieted. And, of course, just when you start dieting is when the emails go out saying things like "Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in the conference room," and "Bucket of caviar in the back kitchen."

Now I know what all those people were complaining about. Dieting is a living hell! I mean, you quit drinking and smoking and all sorts of stuff and what's left? Food, right? Well, not anymore. Now you have to find some other reason to want to live. And let me tell you, doing "good deeds," is way less satisfying than eating twelve ounces of prime rib. Food is one of the few true pleasure in life and now you can't even eat very much of it. And people say "Try moderation." Hey, screw that! I've tried moderation and it s*cks! Have you ever eaten half a lobster tail? Me either!

So the Arsenio show ended about six months ago and I started back going to the gym every day. I lost about 25 pounds within a few months, but have since gained back about five. Currently, I am at this wall at about 205 and I just don't seem to be losing anymore. And to make matters worse, Christmas is coming up and I'm going to stay with my Mom in Atlanta and she is an amazing cook and knows that I adore her food. So there is at least five pounds right there. Probably more, considering the box of chocolates I sent her, which will arrive conveniently close to the day I arrive. One could argue that I have in fact sent myself a box of chocolates, to be delivered to my mother's house. Buy hey, why argue?

Now you might say "Why not just be fat?" I certainly did. But I suffered a gnarly spinal injury, while surfing, a few years back, so I walk badly enough already, and really can't carry any extra baggage. A few extra pounds and my legs are in outright revolt.

But if nuclear war breaks out, I guarantee I am going to eat myself to death way before the missiles get me.