01/23/2015 08:42 pm ET Updated Mar 25, 2015

People of LA, Please Leave!

I moved to LA, or "The Dream Factory," as I call it, fifteen years ago. Glad I did. Many of my dreams really have come true, like writing for television and performing my standup act on TV. That said, LA is a hard place to live. It's expensive, rents are insane and only billionaires can afford to own a home. LA is also crowded and parking is always a pain and the traffic is truly horrific. Only in LA, can a driver get told to go do unnatural things to himself in so many forms of broken English. The constant traffic snarl just beats you down.

It occurred to me once while sitting in inert traffic on the Hollywood Freeway, "Why do regular people live in LA?" I mean, if you are out here to act or write or be in reality shows or hardcore porn, fine. But why would a teacher or a nurse or an assistant manager at a restaurant want to live in LA? It's the worst deal in America! It's like people are thinking, "Hey, where could I sleep on a futon and have roommates, into my forties?... I know, LA!... and I can clog up traffic on the 405 and prevent Phil Perrier from getting to his audition on time!"

So now when I'm driving I'm looking at these people and seething. I feel like saying "Hey, you, yeah you, in the Lexus, texting while you drive, did you know that in Phoenix waitresses own houses?"

But I don't say that, because the person probably doesn't speak English. And who the hell am I to interrupt her texting?

If anyone is reading this who has never been out of LA, listen, the rest of the country is MUCH CHEAPER! Really. Gas is like a nickel in Oklahoma. And you can buy a house in Detroit for whatever change you have on you. I'm not kidding. I lived in Athens Georgia before I moved to LA and my rent was less than three hundred a month. You can't rent a cardboard box in LA for less than a grand a month. And there was no traffic, accept on game day, and parking was never a problem and the earth never shook. But hey, I love LA. Or at least, the San Fernando Valley. I avoid downtown LA the way some people avoid penniless relatives. In fact, if anyone wants to meet with me more than a mile from my house, I get a sad look on my face and say, "Maybe some other time."

But my point in all this is, if you are reading this and you live in LA, and you are not here pursuing one of the above mentioned dreams, (acting, singing, dancing, writing, porn etc.) then please, leave as soon as humanly possible. Just pack up all your stuff, load it into your twelve year old minivan and move to Las Vegas, or Houston or Denver or San Diego or wherever the hell I'm not. Really, you'll be glad you did. Everything will be cheaper and easier and the people will be friendly and not completely full of shoot. And everyone won't be into runes and crystals and all sorts of post hippy, New Agey, California horse shoot.

But I digress. Bottom line, I'm not leaving this town until they pry it from my cold dead fingers. But all you others, please go.