05/19/2015 02:59 pm ET Updated May 16, 2016

The Ultimate LA Family

I moved to LA from Georgia in 2000 to pursue fame, the bitch goddess, and in the intervening fifteen years I have observed the natives in their natural habitat. What follows is my interpretation of the ultimate LA Family. Enjoy!

Jason is forty two, he works in special effects in movies and TV and, despite his pony tail, knocks down a respectable eighty to ninety grand a year. Besides, when women see the pony tail, they often say Jason looks a lot like Kurt Russell.

Saffron (formerly Gertrude), Jason's wife, is forty, but on Facebook she still calls herself thirty four. She told Jason that he is her second husband, but he is actually her third, as she does not count her first marriage, being as she was only nineteen at the time and the marriage lasted less than a year. She also failed to tell Jason about her son from her first brief marriage, Trevor, whom she put up for adoption.

Despite her age, Saffron is still very attractive. Friends often say she looks like a cross between Heather Locklear and Sally Struthers. Though Saffron insists on being "authentic" and "organic," she has fake boobs, dyed hair and a serious botox habit. She has also been diagnosed as bipolar and A.D.D., at various times and is on several addictive anti-depressants, which she likes to wash down with zinfandel. While Saffron smokes cigarettes and occasionally snorts cocaine, she absolutely NEVER puts sugar in her body.

Jason, like Saffron, had parents who met at a California religious cult, during the 1970's. He likes to drink a little beer and smoke pot. While he has a medical marijuana card, due to "anxiety," in truth, Jason mostly likes weed for the buzz. He also loves to ride and work on his Harley. Jason enjoys hanging out with other Harley enthusiasts and talking about carburators and other engine parts. When not tooling around on his Harley, Jason drives a very old BMW, while Saffron drives an even older Mercedes.

Jason and Saffron have two kids, a daughter, Dakota, fifteen, and a son, Dylan, seventeen. Both are home schooled. But luckily for Saffron, most of the kid's schooling is done online, thus giving her time to pursue her other interests, such as yoga, animal rescue and Kabbalah. Both parents, in all honesty, find communication difficult with their kids due to the fact that both spend virtually all their waking hours either texting or playing violent video games. Also not helping, is the fact that roughly sixty percent of Dakota's vocabulary is comprised of the words "Oh my God!"

Dakota and Dylan have been diagnosed as "A.D.H.D.," and "Borderline autistic," respectively, and are both heavily medicated. Though her parents aren't aware of it yet, Dakota likes to cut herself and she has started having sex with her male art teacher.

Dylan says he wants to someday be a D.J., while Dakota says she wants to "do something with animals."

In short, life is good. Jason and Saffron own a three bedroom house in Burbank, that they bought before L.A. Real estate got too crazy, and if you don't mind the deafening noise from the nearby airport, things are pretty cozy. Soon, if their kids actually leave, they will be empty nesters. The plan is to ride around the country on the Harley together, stopping wherever they want. At least that's Jason's plan. Saffron hears it and, then says enigmatically, "You never know." While secretly, her plan to is wait until the kids leave, then divorce Jason and marry her allergist, Bernie, the one who massages her breasts at every visit to "clear away toxins," and live with him in Palm Springs. And drive a brand new Mercedes.

In truth, Saffron hates riding on the Harley with Jason and wishes he would get rid of it.
But hey, at the moment, life is good.