01/07/2013 04:11 pm ET Updated May 26, 2015

New Diet for a New Age!

There is nothing like the start of a new year to inspire one to improve one's life, one's health and one's diet. Fortunately I am not that one, but whoever that one is I'm sure they'll be much better off than the rest of us.

Diets are tricky things, each one with a personality of their own. The protein diet could no doubt start a fight in a bar and do well, while the grapefruit and tomato diet pretty much wants to avoid conflict as lifting a grapefruit by day three is about all they're good for.

I feel that dieting is selfish. In the sense that it withholds love from potential food I may eat. To think of all that unloved future food makes me sad. So in the interest of increasing the love on this planet I abstain from diets.

Sadly my doctor has directed me otherwise and suggests that now is the time to lose those extra sandbags I've been lugging around which I refer to as 'my waist.' I thought it was wise to have those sandbags in case of any emergency flooding and I could hurl myself in the direction of oncoming tides to save homes from rising water levels. Alas, he says this is not thinking of my health. He is incredibly small-minded in this way. So a new diet is called for!

Every diet can be successful, in that if you follow any instruction to eat less you will most likely shed some unwanted pounds. This is very important as you don't want to shed wanted pounds, and start a diet that might leave you fat but without a head or legs, for example. Always read the warning label before you begin to avoid such calamities!

I thought a quick search through diet possibilities would be an easy way to start, but didn't realize that most of the printed literature of mankind, by volume, is diet books. But what diet to pick? Let me break down this vast and complicated genre into what I've already learned, so you don't have to waste the time I did.

One can eat Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw, Locavore, Jenny Craig, South Beach, Malibu, Caveman, Atkins, Dairy Free, Gluten Free, Wheat Free or Fruitarian. Additionally one can eat for blood type, body type, genotype or racial type. They are all scientifically proven as valid and contradict every other diet as dangerously incorrect. This can be confusing. Particularly if you eat for the wrong type. That's probably why I've decided to take the safe road and eat for the type I'm most familiar with, which is my stereotype.

This has some great advantages.

First of all I'm Jewish, so I can order loudly and eat badly and still be on my diet. Secondly, I can complain about the prices even though I'm not doing anything differently than I was before. Though this has no nutritional value it's still lots of fun. Thirdly, after three days on my stereotype diet I very possibly will be rushed to the hospital as most Jewish food, though delicious, is life threatening in large quantities.

Once in the hospital finally immobilized, some trained medical professional will take pity on me and force me to eat some sensible diet and hand me a card with instructions for it, thereby having saved me the time of having to find it for myself looking through the rest of all those cockamamie books.