THE BLOG
12/20/2014 09:09 am ET Updated Feb 19, 2015

The Distressing Dream About Christmas Day I Keep Having

Do you remember when you were 5 years old and you thought Christmas only came once in a lifetime, because it took so long to come again?
Why did I have to wait so long? Those 364 days were endless.
Now decades later, Christmas comes like an avalanche.
December is here and I'm not ready, not prepared, too many for dinner.
Too many gifts, I don't need, even though I positively said no gifts, no gifts, no gifts, please.

I keep having the same dream.
It's 4 o'clock Christmas day and I haven't bought the turkey.
The table is not set, nothing is decorated and I haven't wrapped the gifts.
I said no gifts! And wake up in a sweat. Thanking god it's only a dream.
Now the seating! It's assigned, who sits next to who. That's a tough one.
Husband and wife? Enemies? Friends? Whoa!
My guest list is 10 women, 3 men!
Maybe I'll just let them fight it out.

Rising Christmas morning at 6 AM.
Have to do 45 minutes of yoga, walk the dog Nicko, jump rope 3 minutes
and breathe!

Now, let's talk about the large bird and the preparation.
First off, it's so heavy and partially frozen.
Thank god I do 20 pushups each morning!
And it's pale and slimy. And where are the neck, the giblets, and the liver.
Oh the neck is naturally in the front end.
The liver and the giblets are all frozen inside the cavity.
Removing them; one has to be Mohammed Ali.
I haven't mentioned the frozen chopped spinach.
Have to squeeze all the water out before this recipe can proceed.
That's sheer hell!
Now try peeling 12 potatoes so they can be cooked, mashed
with lots of butter and cream and tons of calories.

Oh well! Let's not talk about calories.
We haven't even mentioned dessert!
Always too many!
Two pies, apple tartin, princess cake and lots of whipped cream.
You've just gained 5 pounds!
Now you promise never to eat again until tomorrow!

Christmas is supposed to be the most colorful, the most anticipated.
The most beautiful and tastiest of all the holidays and also the most costliest.
Between the no gifts that end up being the yes gifts.
Tipping the postman, the garbage men, the gardner, the paper delivery,
there must be someone else, but it purposely slips my mind.

Sounds like this holiday is only for the first decade of your life.
After that it becomes time consuming, hours of thought, not to mention
the bank account and the sleepless nights of planning.

Don't get me wrong; I am one of the lucky ones who love to cook.
To decorate, and actually love Christmas.
But I could use another 10 days in the year.
How about you?
I forgot to mention the tree on top of the car.
And if you live in New York and have no car then what?
I guess the taxi will have to do, if you can get one!!

Let's talk about the bright side, GIFTS!
Someone gave me the new Dick Cavett book, which was so good.
I read it in one night.
No one drank too much wine Prosecco.
The turkey was not overcooked.
It was and looked sensational.
At least that's what they all said.
I'm the only person I know that doesn't like turkey.
But the dressing [stuffing] was tremendous.
I couldn't hear most of the conversation.
Probably because the 2 flaps on the side of my head,
need help and everyone talks at once and loud.
My apple tartin was a complete success.
Only because I say a prayer each time I make it.

Every one said " Merry Christmas" at least 10 times.
And it was a very "Merry Christmas."
I was showered with compliments and how they ate too much.
The fire was just embers when I finally undressed,
removed my face, brushed my teeth, and let Nicko [standard poodle]
out for a final pee.

Thank you Dick Cavett for your gift of gab and wild humor.

On December 26; we are back to normal and real joy!

Happy Holidays and Hanukkah, Valentines Day and all the other holidays
including Birthdays!

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

PHOTO GALLERY
Top 10 New Year's Resolutions And How To Keep Them