03/18/2015 09:28 am ET Updated May 17, 2015

Hackers: Hillary's Emails Prove She's Been a Senior Citizen for Some Time Now

Reports surfaced today of the contents of Hillary Clinton's personal Gmail account, confirming suspicions that she is a senior citizen with shockingly normal behavior for someone in her age bracket. An anonymous hacker published nearly 21,000 messages sent to and from the former Secretary of State over the past ten years, including more than 3,000 unanswered emails sent to her daughter, Chelsea. Said the source, "We learned that Mrs. Clinton, a new grandmother, routinely accosted her daughter with message after message containing unsolicited parenting advice. Ideal first solid foods, night weaning techniques, treatments for baby's first cold. On one particularly prolific day, Clinton sent 22 messages inquiring about her granddaughter's diaper rash."

Also disclosed were details which revealed Clinton's utter disregard for standard best practices when using email. "We found hundreds of sent messages with a 'FW:' followed by a subject line written in all caps. 'WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL BEACHES YOU HAVE TO SEE TO BELIEVE' and 'TOP 10 DIRTY LIMERICKS ABOUT REPUBLICANS' were listicles forwarded to her entire address book in 2013. As one might imagine, these forwards seldom inspired a reply, though Bill did take a moment to type ':P' to the limerick email."

Further cementing her status as a senior citizen with a tenuous grasp of how to even use email were dozens of unsent drafts that appeared to be failed attempts at Google searches. As the source explained, "It took some time to determine what we were looking at, but we have confirmed that Hillary ventured to search for 'How to accessorize a pant suit' by entering that exact string of text into the body of an unsent email in December of 2010."

When asked to comment on these allegations, a Clinton spokesperson admitted that the former secretary's staff members were currently "hard at work trying to pry Hillary away from a lolcats animated gif."