04/14/2015 05:43 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

IRS Dumbfounded by Dipshit in Top 0.1 Percent Who Somehow Overpaid Taxes


Expressing shock that someone so rich could commit such a monumental error, the IRS today reported that a lone member of America's wealthiest 0.1 percent paid more taxes than he should have for the 2014 tax year. Said a clearly baffled spokesperson for the agency, "We honestly don't know how this happened. We've always ensured America's wealthiest citizens every opportunity to evade us, but this asshat apparently didn't receive our memo. And it was gold-plated."

The multimillionaire appeared to have done his own taxes and snail-mailed the forms to the government, an action which stunned IRS representatives, who had never before seen someone in America's wealthiest tier choose to complete their taxes without the assistance of a lawyer, accountant, or even Turbo Tax. "At over 70,000 pages in length, the tax code was obviously designed for those with pockets deep enough to hire an expert, which this rich halfwit didn't bother to do. Did he volunteer to be a test subject for the Buffet Rule?", the agent hypothesized, referring to the "ridiculous suggestion" made by billionaire Warren Buffet that the wealthiest Americans should pay their fair share in taxes.

Though his limitless resources would have made him eligible for most of the loopholes exploited by his tax bracket, the millionaire reportedly eschewed the offshore accounts, equity swaps, and shell companies available to him. Detailed the IRS rep, "While teachers, cops, and nurses are expected to hand over a quarter of their hard-earned paychecks to Uncle Sam, we ask our wealthiest citizens to contribute only the loose change found in their couch cushions. Did this idiot confuse himself with a member of America's struggling middle class? I have no other explanation for this gigantic fuck up."

When asked what action, if any, the IRS would be taking to address these concerns, the agency reported it would likely give the tycoon another shot at submitting his tax return. "The filthy rich are used to a life full of endless opportunities and second chances, and it's our duty at the federal government to protect the wealthy and create safeguards to prevent their accidental overpayment of taxes in the future. It's the foundation on which our great nation was built."