05/01/2015 11:44 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Study: iPad Is Most Competent Parent in Households With Toddlers


Note: This is a work of satire.

Scientists from Stanford University detailed the results of a study today which found that the iPad is by far the most capable parent in households with toddlers. As Dr. James Landon, the study's lead researcher noted, "In every single home included in our sample, we observed that only the iPad was capable of taming a toddler's tantrum, convincing the toddler to eat vegetables, and motivating the toddler to sit still and shut up for car rides lasting more than 30 minutes." Added Dr. Landon, "It was unanimous. No parent in our study could effectively console their crying toddler like the iPad could, leading us to conclude that maybe mom and dad should just back the heck off and let the iPad work its parenting magic."

When informed of these groundbreaking results, parents everywhere cheered, expressing gratitude that they could finally relinquish their parental responsibilities with confidence. As one mother explained, "I had been feeling guilty about handing over the iPad to little Suzie so much, but with these eye-opening results, I plan on tossing the iPad to my daughter as soon as I see her face frown and lower lip quiver. In fact, I can now rest assured that the iPad is doing a much better job at parenting than I ever could."

While many pointed to the results of the study as inspiration for a change in their habits, some parents admitted that the results would likely have little impact on their day-to-day behavior. According to one father, "This is great and all, but it won't change much in our house. I will just continue to sit back and do nothing as a parent, as I have always done, and let my son call his iPad 'daddy.'"

Not surprisingly, interest in Apple skyrocketed with the news, as evidenced by the long line of parents waiting outside a local Apple store. "I haven't slept in days, and my kid just threw a full-body tantrum in the checkout aisle at Target. I need an iPad. Now," said one father, whose dark under eye circles suggested that he was the parent of at least two or three toddlers.

One mother, initially thrilled to hear about this study, wondered if Apple could perhaps figure out a way for the next generation iPad "to bathe and tuck in my little brats at night so I don't have to. Now that would be something."