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10/15/2014 09:44 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

What Are the Best Ways to Annoy a Chef?

What is the best way to annoy a chef?: originally appeared on Quora: The best answer to any question. Ask a question, get a great answer. Learn from experts and get insider knowledge. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.

2014-10-14-jlaw

Answer by Johnathan Law, I own a diner

Order something off the menu, and then add a bunch of requirements and changes, then complain when it tastes weird.

Order a BLT without bacon. Seriously, what do you expect me to do in that situation? I don't stock tempeh or other vegetarian meats. I could add more ranch, but it's still going to taste fucking strange.

Talk about how ugly my desserts look. Not everything is supposed to have flowers and icing and swags on it. It's a fucking brownie, it's supposed to look like a brown square. This might be a side effect of being in China, where apparently anything that isn't a fluffy piece of spongy crap wrapped in layers of pink buttercream flowers and fondant swags is considered not good enough to eat.

Complain about some desserts being too sweet, then asking me to add less sugar next time. Then I have to spend fucking half an hour explaining why I can't simply "add less sugar" when I make something like cookies, brownies, and most hilariously, toffee pie. (note: I do use varying degrees of maltodextrin and oligosaccharides to maintain bulk but decrease relative sweetness, but those ingredients tend to be inferior to plain white sugar when it comes to moisture retention.) Also, most people happen to like my desserts the way they are, and I'm not going to bake you a separate pie.

Tell me that anyone can make whatever I'm serving that day, since cooking is always just so goddamned easy and obvious. Yes, you can probably make a pancake. So go the fuck back home and make a stack yourself, and save yourself the two bucks it would cost you at my diner.

Complain about my sourdough tasting sour, and then suggesting that I fucking mix baking soda into the fucking dough to balance the acidity. Yes, I understand that you're not used to eating sourdough. Which is why I have a fucking poster hanging on the wall explaining the whole thing, and why I tell every customer before they buy sourdough that it's fucking sour.

Not believing me when I tell them I use flour imported from France, stating their reason as being that "such a small place like France can't possibly produce much flour."

Asking me why my bread is so hard. You picked that fucking bread. There's soft bread too, and you picked a bread with a hard crunchy crust even after feeling it with your hands.

The most ridiculous thing that a customer has ever said was that there was mold on my bread. And I was like no, that's obviously fucking surface flour, not mold, do you think I'd fucking leave a piece of bread out here until white mold covered its entire surface and then sell it to you? Do I look fucking blind? Although, on second thought, that person probably did deserve a moldy batard down their throat.

Coming in to eat breakfast at 11 o'clock and then complaining that their food tastes reheated. After I told them I could reheat the food for them.

Asking if the desserts were made that day. Don't be a fucking snob. The desserts are fucking fine, whether they were made today, yesterday, or last fucking week, because I'm not going to put anything inedible or rotten in the fucking dessert display. If you honestly expect me to be making a whole display case full of fresh desserts every fucking day, you can go fuck yourself, buddy.

Telling me that I don't have a large enough selection of bread compared to the supermarket.

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