Oh, the Glamour of Publishing a Book

The whole process starts with eking out a little of your story and sending a small chunk to a beta reader or two or three -- not your neighbor or good friend or aunt to sister, but someone you trust to give you solid feedback that your story is awful or not.
09/08/2014 10:28 am ET Updated Nov 08, 2014

Over the last few months, I've had a lot of inquiries about what it takes to publish a book.

Like, "Oh, so you just slapped that puppy up on Amazon?"

Not quite.

A lot of work goes into publishing a book other than having a marvelously, fabulous, original idea that you purge from your brain.

Its not all glamorous and exciting.

The whole process starts with eking out a little of your story and sending a small chunk to a beta reader or two or three -- not your neighbor or good friend or aunt to sister, but someone you trust to give you solid feedback that your story is shit or not.

Then, you wait to hear from your betas and sit on your ass, eating, telling yourself that they will hate your story and so you start dreaming up new ideas.

The process is repeated any number of infinite times: you write, you share, you wait on pins and needles, you gain five pounds while waiting OR drop five depending whether you eat or lose your appetite under stress.

ALL the while, you waste spend countless hours on social media, pimping your book, chatting, stopping to look at pictures of your college roommate's bull dog (She is soooo freaking cute. I want one!), pimping some more, retweeting, hitting "Like" a billion times, trying to engage with other successful authors for tips and advice, signing up for Rafflecopter, looking at pictures of half-clothed men (inspiration, people), and obsessing over previews for SOA or The Bachelor or whatever show you love.

You sneak off to your "cave," which could be your kitchen table, closet or the dingy coffee place around the corner every so often to write, rewrite, despise what you wrote and start all over. You write AH-mazing bathroom sex scenes that you then share with your other author friends (Where is it? Christy...).

You incorporate feedback and thank your betas profusely, sending them emojis and Xs and Os and hoping and praying they don't ever leave you like your ninth grade boyfriend did. THAT was devastating.

During all this, there is hunting for editors and cover designers and formatters and book trailer makers and blog tour peeps. HOLY crap! ALL of those people have FULL schedules and are booked until 2017! What the F?

But I have to have a cover from so and so... You beg, plead, give up your dog and son for a slot. Just take them...

"I need my cover!"

After securing your team, you are SO not done! NO way. There are first and second and third rounds of revisions and then you totally offend the cover person you gave up your child for because you want just a "tad more purple" in your cover.

AND, the worst is yet to happen. There is a never-ending pile of virtual forms, where you enter your tax information and electronic signature after you are unsure what you even just agreed to do so you can upload your book (after it is edited and goes through another round of "clean" beta reading).

Don't even get me started on the uploading because I need 12 or 13 more degrees to be able to figure that shit out.

Finally, your book is up on the shelves and your mom buys a copy and it is the best feeling that someone wants to read you.

Until, you get your first bad review.

YET, somehow... we love it all so much, we do it again and again (like childbirth, you must forget all the steps of the process).

So, that is basically what I have been up to, and although this post is funny, borderline hysterical, I couldn't do what I do without the help of many, many people. You know who you are. Don't make me call you out.

And, my fellow author babes, who have graciously entwined their success with mine. Love you.