02/27/2014 03:45 pm ET Updated Apr 29, 2014

How To: End a Friendship Without Explicitly Saying the Friendship Is Over

"Hearts live on being wounded" Oscar Wilde once stated -- a perception on life that is painfully honest. Whether by ending a lifelong friendship or breaking up with a recent flame, heartbreaks are emotional, can be lasting and involve one too many plays of Cinema Paradiso; an overall experience much like an uneven menstrual cycle. With all of the above said, the cause of one's woe can be enhanced even more by poor articulation; not being completely direct and clear with one's feelings leaves an uneasy, despondent, sting on both parties mind.

The following are five scenarios for which one can nonchalantly end a friendship and unfortunately begin another's Via Dolorosa:

1. Friend A (the friend who is breaking up with the other friend, Friend B) will tell Friend B (the friend who Friend A is breaking up with) that Friend B is the most "tolerable" of all Friend A's fellow buddies.

2. Friend A would say to Friend B that Friend B and Friend A are very comfortable with each other, they are in this relationship because they have known each other for a long period of time and feel most at home in each other's company.* Comfort is the only link piecing them together -- is it strong enough? WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

3. Friend A never calls, texts, emails, Snapchats, sends letters and/or care packages, Myspace or Facebook messages, direct or indirect tweets, (and for older people telegram and telegraph messages), or literally never sees Friend B again in person... (I mean, Friend A never explicitly tells Friend B the friendship is over so maybe Friend B just thinks Friend A died... or... is traveling the world and the phone bill is too expensive to text or call, then met someone who is their future spouse and now lives as a nomad/citizen of the world, making a living off producing fine, hard cheeses).

4. Tactful and articulate Friend A chooses not to use those skills and instead tells Friend B that he or she or it should branch out, get to know more people, practice being social...

5. Lastly, Friend A tells Friend B that Friend B is really great, interesting and has a lot going for Friend B, then, promptly after the compliments demonstrates option No. 3.

*I understand that No. 2 only relates to old friends but there can be spin put on this, saying "it feels like we are old friends" conveys the same thought.

Ending friendships are hard, but there are harder experiences to endure in life, like getting stuck at La Guardia airport for 48 hours or having your dog be sick. If those two or all three events simultaneously happen while you lose a friend... then sh*t man, that sucks. Have a nice flight though and maybe you'll strike up a conversation with the person next to you only to begin this cycle of shampoo, rinse, repeat again!

Also, don't forget next week to read the special February edition of "How To: Make the Perfect Rosemary, Rotisserie Chicken."