09/29/2014 01:55 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

12 Things Babywearing Dads Should Never Say in a Public Restroom

Yesterday, Avery and I made our usual two store grocery trip to Sprouts and Costco with the hope that we won't have to go again this weekend. We live only a few miles from the Texas Motor Speedway, and since it is race weekend, driving anywhere is worse than most days.

Since we don't head out until after her morning nap, I usually have some work in the kitchen to tend to. I like to prepare my wife's meals in bulk to have her dinner ready to go for few days out, so I readied four ready-to-be-grilled bean and goat cheese sandwiches.

I could find something to do/cook in the kitchen all day, but Avery makes sure that never happens. She woke up from her morning nap with loud moans permeating the baby monitor. She was in an area the monitor couldn't capture, so I went in her room to see what all the fuss was about.

How a sleeping baby is able to roll around and get her leg stuck in the slot of her crib, I haven't a clue. Luckily, she didn't hurt herself and seemed fine once Daddy was there with a camera in her face.


I liberated our daughter from her self-induced leg restraint and gathered everything to head out. Our first stop was Sprouts, as usual, when the urge to use the restroom suddenly hit me while perusing the aisles. Damn multiple cups of green tea and coffee!!

As I stood at the urinal, I looked down at Avery in her Onya Baby Outback carrier and tried to keep her from letting out any random cries as she generally does. Why does she have to fuss as I hopelessly stand at a urinal? I have no clue. But, as I tried my best to offer soothing words, I paused and realized that what I was saying might be taken the wrong way, considering my location.

Then I thought back to the countless times before when I was wearing Avery and had to use a public restroom. Crap (not literally), I thought to myself, Anyone in the restroom at the same time must seriously question the things I say! I know if I were in a stall and heard some guy talking in a soothing, coo-like voice, I wouldn't come out until I knew he was gone.

So, I listed the top twelve things a dad should never say while wearing their baby and using a public restroom. And if you're wondering, yes, I have said all of these to Avery. It's a surprise I'm still allowed in these stores!

Here's a picture to help you get a visual of my "at the urinal" view...

1. Don't worry, you'll get bigger. (I said this to Avery when her head couldn't see over the carrier.)

2. Well, hello there.

3. Uh oh, I need to get you a burp cloth.

4. Daddy won't take long.

5. I'm so proud of you!

6. What do you see up there? (This is when Avery is looking up at the ceiling.)

7. Mommy is going to be so happy to see you!

8. Please stay still so I can finish.

9. Are you hungry?

10. If you're good, we can play with that new toy at home.

11. It can take up to two years before you're done. (Right after Avery starting cutting her first teeth.)

12. Do I see another one poking through? (Again, the teething.)

Needless to say, I'm going to be more conscientious about how I word things when talking to Avery in a restroom.

Babywearing dads, have you ever said anything to your baby while wearing them in a public restroom?

I don't know how the baby wearing moms deal with this issue, but if you have any good stories, please share!