Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episodes 19 and 20 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Finale" and "Reunion Part 1."
Two hours later and none the wiser -- that's how I feel about tonight's "RHOBH" special. Oh, except we learned that Kyle actually wet herself in Ojai. I guess that counts for something.
Tonight's blockbuster event was a back-to-back Beverly Hills extravaganza, featuring the season finale and the first part of the reunion. The upside is that neither Faye nor Marisa were in the second hour. The downside is that we did have to watch them for the better part of the first hour, which was horrendous. During the reunion, Yolanda showed up ready to fight and Adrienne didn't show up at all. Adrienne did stop by Lisa's housewarming party with an ill-advised haircut of which I am not a fan. But let's start at the beginning:
We re-entered Lisa's housewarming party and learned that the whole vow renewal ceremony was meant to be a surprise. I had no idea that guests were uninformed of the evening's main event until Kim and Kyle gawked at the heart-shaped, rose-covered alter and wondered what it could be. Then again, Kim and Kyle are actual idiots and have the collective IQ of a turtle (Kim -- I know tortoises are your reptile of choice, but do not mistake this for a compliment), so maybe they just had zero idea as to what was going on.
Brandi and Yolanda were fuming over Faye and her slithery eel-like ways. When asked to describe what Faye said, Brandi laid it out pretty clearly: Faye put her "big, fat f***ing dick on the table" and accused Brandi of borrowing Chanels and ruining the Maloof-hoofs' marriage. As Marisa (UGH) re-entered the conversation, Yolanda treated her like the punching bag that Marisa is and told her to f*** off. Not really, but almost.
Then we had to watch Taylor suck up to this weird woman, Linda, who used to be married to creepy David Foster but isn't anymore. Who the f*** is this Linda person, anyway? And why did she say that making her own jam is "so middle class," and that she "rotates her jewelry the way people rotate their tires." What does that even mean?!
Meanwhile, Faye went over to Lisa and started s*** with her AT HER OWN PARTY, accusing her of using Brandi as a mouthpiece. From my couch, I screamed to Lisa, "THROW HER OUT! THROW THE MORALLY CORRUPTABLE FAYE RESNICK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!" But Lisa is far too much of a lady to do that, which is a shame because Faye insulted Lisa and her home by wearing that hideous dress in the first place.
Lisa and Faye were soon surrounded by Yolanda, Brandi, Kim, Taylor and Kyle, and before we knew it, Kyle was not standing up for Lisa and saying she wouldn't take sides, by way of defending Faye and her awful clothing choices. Yolanda held her own and continuously attacked Faye until the awful reptile slithered past Brandi and went away. Kyle should be beyond embarrassed by Faye at this point, and Faye should be banned from the show.
After the two-hour special, Dr. V of "LA Shrinks" was on "Watch What Happens Live" and summarized the moment perfectly (yes, I am now on my 131st minute of "RHOBH" content tonight). "What I saw is someone who is avoiding conflict so much that you end up creating it," she told Kyle. "And I think adult-children do that all the time." YEP! Except that Kyle knows she's doing it and her attempts to avoid conflict are totally inauthentic.
Back at la casa de Vanderpump, Kim and Kyle started yelling at each other out of nowhere. Yolanda attempted to calm the sisters down without much success. Kim started crying. Then Kyle started crying. Then Mauricio showed up. Then he went away. Then Kim said she almost died. Then Adrienne arrived with this really ugly side-bang situation that she should have thought twice about, and everyone cried even more.
Adrienne held court in Lisa's foyer and explained that she was served with papers to file for legal separation. Ken was mad at Adrienne for showing up at his wedding anniversary party without saying hello and apologizing for being late. I agree that Adrienne is a piece of crap with no manners -- but I love how Ken and Lisa were holding people accountable for not behaving the way they wanted them to at their wedding anniversary/vow renewal party, when they never actually informed the guests that they were there to celebrate those occasions in the first place!
Lisa got upset that the whole mood of her party shifted with Adrienne's sob fest and went to her room. But then Brandi told her that Ken might die soon and that she'd better hurry up and get down to the altar, so she did.
Now I don't know if it was Ken's bejeweled lapel, Giggy's outfit, Ken and Lisa's accents, or the way Brits can turn a phrase, but I found the vow renewal ceremony very touching and sweet. Then all the ladies took bites of wedding cake while Brandi did body rolls in the background.
And then ... the reunion started.
I have developed a love/hate relationship with "Real Housewives" reunions. On one hand, I feel like nothing really happens during them. On the other hand, the ladies return for the next season still arguing about unresolved issues from the previous reunion. So, clearly, we must pay attention!
First of all, Andy Cohen seemed to be sporting a new hairdo. I can't tell if it's a new cut or just styled differently, but it has a mild Mowhak situation going on and I am a fan. Second of all, I appreciated that Andy acknowledged that audiences were frustrated by Adrienne's alleged surrogacy saga that couldn't be talked about, but I'd like to point out that it was more than "frustrating." It basically ruined the entire season and made most of the episodes forgettable and irrelevant. Good job, Adrienne -- you are awful.
The major headlines from tonight's reunion show were that Yolanda and Kyle basically hate each other; Yolanda and Kim basically hate each other; Lisa and Kyle basically hate each other; Kim and Kyle are the worst, and Taylor doesn't think she has a drinking problem. Oh, and Kim's dress was held together by a binder clip in the back. Yep.
Brandi's winning moment occurred when she defended herself for hating Adrienne. "She started it," Brandi said of her argument with Adrienne. "I fight back, that's what I do. I'm a happy, sweet, fun-loving person until you cross me and then I will f***ing cut a bitch." In a word: glorious.
Taylor pulled a Charlotte York and is dating her attorney (except this one is not yet fully divorced). She explained that she didn't know Kennedy was at Kim's nose coming out party because there was a miscommunication between her mom and her nanny. "Even if I was on this planet ... I wouldn't have known," Taylor said, defending herself but also admitting how wasted she was.
Yolanda came out with guns a'blazing, people. She lamented that no one really tried to reach out to her and be her friend. Kyle said that she was cold but Brandi clarified that Yolanda's not cold, she's just foreign. Hm. Okay. Then there was some kerfuffle over Kyle not offering Yolanda a glass of water when she was sick in her driveway. Bitch.
Yolanda did have to answer questions about some of her more controversial moments -- like worrying that her daughter was a lesbian for wanting to play volleyball, catering to her husband, yelling at a man for not knowing English. And while Yolanda faltered for a moment here and there, it seemed like she was not even aware of the holes she dug for herself in the first place. Sigh.
The reunion ended with Kyle and Kim screaming at Yolanda that she called Lisa "full of s***" in Paris. Yolanda vehemently denied the allegations, and Lisa said she believed her (though I'm not sure she really does). I think Lisa said she believed Yolanda just to piss off Kyle, a move I totally support.
And there we have it! What did you think of tonight's episode? Did I leave anything out? Are you prepared for part two of the "RHOBH" reunion? Sound off in the comments below!
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.