Note: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 14 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "White Party Pooper."
Oh, Kyle's White Party. The least relevant or entertaining social event of the year when everyone wears excessive spray tans and horrific white spandex dresses with metallic accessories. Sigh. This snoozefest of a fiesta could have really used a healthy dose of Yolanda and far less of Paul Maloof, but we had to make due with what Bravo gave us last night.
Before the ladies gathered in Kyle's cheaply-decorated home to dance under blacklights, family members anxiously awaited Kim to reveal her new nose. Kim hosted a "nose coming out party" to show off the new bump-less facial feature. Then, Brandi spent the White Party arguing with Adrienne and Paul about whether or not they were suing her. The ladies of Beverly Hills did little to prove they were more mature than high school sophomores, so let's see how they fared in this week's poll.
Most Popular: Kim
Kim debuted her new nose last night, thereby revealing a new self and thanking family members for supporting her sober journey through life. What does one have to do with the other, you wonder? I have absolutely no idea, but Kim somehow saw a logical connection between getting a nose job and thanking family members for supporting her sobriety. I honestly thought Kim's nose looked exactly the same, until Bravo threw up a split screen comparing the two. I noticed the difference in her profile, but can't tell any difference when Kim looks straight at the camera. Now I'm just terribly curious if she's been wearing her new nose or her old nose in her confessionals all season. Thoughts?
Only a few of the housewives attended Kim's backyard party, namely Adrienne, who seemed to show her face to say 10 thousand times, "My husband would have done just as nice a job" on Kim's new nose. Marisa also showed up, looking grumpy and awful as ever, to sort of speak ill of Taylor. But who cares what Marisa says or thinks? Certainly not me.
Least Popular: Taylor
Taylor had all the women whispering because she bailed last minute on Kim's nose party to fly to Beaver Creek with some guy she loves. But we all know that Taylor will love anyone or anything with a private plane, as she has sobbed about the absence of one in her life in episodes past. In the process of canceling, she revealed that she had no idea her daughter Kennedy was already at the party with Kyle. This seemed to shock the newly sober Kim, probably because she can't remember all the times she drunkenly misplaced one of her 50 kids. Kyle noted that Taylor sounded "beyond tipsy" as she called to cancel. Actually Kyle, she sounded f***ing s***faced -- but sometimes a girl just has to have a bottle of rosé and hop on a private jet to Beaver Creek apparently!
Best Dressed: Portia
The ladies truly disappointed me last night with their fashion choices, however little Portia looked adorable in her purple polka dot dress at her Aunt Kim's nose job party. Well done, Portia!
Worst Dressed: Faye, always.
Why is she in every episode now just lurking and crawling about like the scaly lizard creature that she is? Bravo, for the millionth time, please keep her away!
Biggest Housewife Faux Pas: Adrienne and Her Self Tanner
Turns out Ms. Maloof-hoof is leaving a trail of brown stains wherever she goes! Lisa said she had to confront her former neighbor because she kept staining her white furniture with crappy self tanner application. Adrienne is quite orange usually, but I couldn't believe the metallic bronze shade of her legs while she sat in a limo on the way to Kyle's white party. And it's not surprising that self tanner would leave a stain on white furniture, but wasn't it unbelievable how shameless Adrienne reacted about the whole thing?! It really seemed like she did not care that she stained Lisa's white furniture time and time again. Well, I never!
Cutest Couple: Ken, Lisa and Brandi
While Brandi, Adrienne and Paul were arguing over whether or not one sued the other, Ken interrupted, eager to defend his leading ladies. Not only did he say that the Maloofs should pay for Brandi's legal fees, he also yelled at them for wrongly accusing Lisa of selling stories last season to Radar Online. When Paul tried to yell at Lisa for calling Adrienne's shoeline the Maloof-hoof, Ken simply told him that Lisa's quip "made" Adrienne's shoe, with which I completely agree! Brandi then took Ken and Lisa by the hands and led them away from the icky Maloofs.
Best One-Liner: Brandi
In response to Adrienne and Paul telling Brandi that she's a "loose cannon who says whatever [she] wants," Brandi answered, "Welcome to the United f***king States Of America!" Indeed.
Most Excruciating to Watch: Paul
Paul, please stop everything you're doing. Please stop running around in a way-too-tight grey T-shirt and neon colored sneakers. Please stop taking iPhone photos of a massive fire next door, instead of making sure your wife and kids are safe and settled. Please stop wearing 100 percent linen ensembles to Kyle's White Party. Please stop yelling at Brandi, Taylor, Ken, Lisa, and your wife. Please stop using the phrase "buzz off." Just. Stop.
Most Missed: Yolanda
Where was our Dutch princess to respond with condescension and contempt to Taylor losing her child? Or Kim's plastic surgery? Or Marisa spitting her gum out in Kyle's hand? Or Adrienne leaving self tanner on every piece of white furniture? Or Paul telling Brandi's friend Dwight to "buzz off?" You were missed, lemon lady!
What did you think of tonight's episode? Do you like Kim's new nose? Do you agree with the poll above? Sound off in the comments below.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.