Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 17 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "No Business Like Clothes Business."
Tonight's episode really comes down to one burning question: why is everyone calling Mauricio "Maurice?" Honestly, there is only one person who can call Mauricio "Maurice" and that is Kim Richards when she is out of her mind drunk because she's dating a man who looks like he's part turtle, part bulldog.
I read all your comments after last week's casting bombshell (for those who missed it, Adrienne is not returning for season 4 and Camille might not be either). It seems as though few of you were sad to see her go. In fact, many commenters were more concerned with Kim and why she was acting like a total lunatic, which is a tremendously valid concern. One commenter also worried that Ken is looking more and more like his dog and actually turning into Giggy -- another valid point.
Just a little update about Adrienne: Brandi Glanville appeared on HuffPost Live last week and confirmed that Adrienne did not show up to the reunion taping (she also clarified why she wore that dress to the Oscars). She would not divulge any other information about how the production handled Adrienne's absence, but I for one cannot wait to see how that panned out.
We returned to the housewives tonight to watch their final night in Paris, a vacation that looked like even less fun than the most boring of all boring housewives trips in Ojai. Brandi actually spelled out the extent of the terribleness when she said that the best part of the trip was finding common ground with Kim. You went to Paris and that was the best part?! Yikes.
Without further ado, let's see how the ladies fared in tonight's poll:
Most Popular: Brandi
I only say that Brandi was the most popular this episode because Yolanda gave her a pair of shoes for being the single gal on the Paris trip. She did not give a gift to Kim, who I think is also single and going through a pretty rough time. But Kim's lucky -- the shoes were gross.
Voice of (Little) Reason: Kim
Kim sat Kyle down at her hideous store party to explain why she was acting so out of it during their trip to Paris. Turns out that she wasn't wearing her contacts and messed up her medication and thought some pill that made her act crazy some months back was actually her water pill. Now, when Lisa asked Kim if she took a sleeping pill in Paris, Kim freaked out and threw a tantrum saying that Lisa implied that Kim broke her sobriety. Did Kim just admit to breaking her sobriety with messing up her medication? I'm very confused. Kim -- put your damn contacts in next time.
Lamest Couple: Yolanda and David
There are some housewives scenes that are so utterly bizarre that I can't help but feel totally creeped out in the comfort and safety of my home. So thank you for nothing, Yolanda and David.
That photo shoot was one of the strangest things I've ever watched -- mostly because of David creepily cupping his wife's breasts from a distance when he was asked to "touch her hip," and when he gave her the end of his tie to kiss, which she dutifully did. WHAT IN THE WORLD?! Why is Yolanda kissing his tie? Why is David cupping Yolanda's breasts from a distance like an adolescent teenager playing a prank? Why did she look so enthused by it? As I said, the scene was bizarre to the point of uncomfortable.
Least Likely To Succeed: Dana
Oh, Dana. I so wanted to put Kyle in this category because I truly think her store is one of the most hideous things I've ever seen (have I mentioned that yet?), but Dana -- oh my 25-thou Dana. First of all, a monochromatic Dana returned to show us that she has adopted the khaki palette to its fullest extent. She was also wasted -- and by wasted I mean possibly under the influence of crack/cocaine laced with heroin, LSD, and any other drug ... if that's a thing, which it probably isn't. I don't know why this woman -- who was generally a sweet person last season -- would return like this faux high-rolling, cracked out Stepford wife. It was one of those scenes that I couldn't even laugh at because I felt so sad for her. But then she couldn't light her cigarette for about 10 seconds, a moment I found highly entertaining, so I had to rewind a few times.
Most Likely To Become A Terrible Therapist: Yolanda
I think our Dutch princess was trying to use some sort of fruit-related metaphor for being a spoilsport, but then I just started thinking about fruit baskets and how I can't wait for the fresh produce that comes with spring and summer. Taylor told Yolanda that she originally didn't like her creepy husband David Foster because he used to be married to one of Taylor's good friends. But then she got to know him after he yelled at her that one time for not letting her sing aloud, and she decided she was a fan.
"Let that be a lesson to you," Yolanda advised. "When one person says something bad it's like the whole entire group is going to rot and spoil to death. Like a basket of fruit, right? The rotten apple is in the bottom and then before you know it, it's all rotten! I'm just not cool with that stuff."
I kind of lost you Yolanda, but if you ever want to illustrate the metaphor by sending me a fruit basket with some fresh lemons from your grove, I will happily accept.
Worst Dressed: Faye -- always
Faye was actually in tonight's episode and wore some hideous dress that's available in Kyle's hideous store that was only rivaled by the hideous dress Kyle wore as well. A dear friend ventured into Kyle's store this past weekend and sent a dispatch from the front lines. "I just don't really get it," she told me. "It kind of looks cheap, but then you look at the price tag and it's crazy expensive." Gross.
Best Dressed: Portia
The final 20 minutes of the episode would have been a crashing bore if it wasn't for Portia, her frilly dress, cardigan and matching bow. Well done, girl.
Best One-Liner: Yolanda
"Don't talk about my husband. He's been so good to all his ex-wives." Right.
And there we have it! What did you think of tonight's episode? Did I leave anything out? Do you agree with the poll? Sound off in the comments below!
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.