03/13/2013 01:59 pm ET Updated May 13, 2013

Top Headlines From the Valley's Biggest Tech Names and Over-hyped Startups

Today's Breaking News From Silicon Valley is brought to you by Yahoo! Inc. and Microsoft in a somewhat shocking, merger-like move. Because they can.

Facebook: Today, Facebook founder and female-exec-in-training Mark Zuckerberg and his extremely tolerant wife, Priscilla Chan, released a joint statement via the company's COO Sheryl Sandberg graciously confirming that they are indeed "America's second biggest philanthropists" after unloading half a billion dollars to charities in 2012. The statement received over 96 million comments, 521 million likes, and 32 million shares, none of which came from the charities to which they donated. A CNN iReport (submitted by some woman in Texas) confirmed this makes Facebook America's second least likely company to understand the effects of their own technology on society, trumped only by Google. It is still unclear as to why Ms. Sandberg was involved in the statement process.

Apple: It's not just about suing competitors anymore. In an attempt to make every single individual on the planet "pay" for perceived infringement on patents and intellectual property of the company, Apple has sequestered all U.S. citizens with first and last names beginning with the letter "i". These individuals are reportedly being interrogated to ensure they: 1) have not changed their names to begin with the letter "i" merely to benefit from the "coolness" of the Apple brand; 2) will refrain from having their names appear in print with a small "i" followed by a capitalized letter (e.g. my last name could not appear as iLiff); and 3) will never ever say phrases like: "Yes, my name is Irene, like iPhone, but Irene."

Google: The company has allegedly bought the entire state of Kansas to prepare for its expansion of Google Glass and other proprietary projects that may or may not include re-branding the word "map" to "G-map." The move is mandatory considering Kansas is home to the very center of the earth's time zones and a natural place for the company to expand since the world clearly revolves around them. Human capital costs in Kansas are also at record lows, which means Google can steal the thunder from Apple's big announcement of bringing jobs back to America, since they will now employ half of a U.S. state.

SnapChat: It is being reported that SnapChat's PR campaign, which touted the company for its proprietary technology that allows horny old men to send photos of their cocks to nubile, unsuspecting young women without the long-term ramifications of "Weinergate," was actually slightly misleading. SnapChat does in fact keep all photos in a somewhat secure and relatively private repository (even though to the user the photos seemingly vanish after ten seconds) just in case the company can't figure out how to monetize the platform and needs to blackmail some celebrities or politicians en lieu of Series A funding.

Stay tuned for more breaking and often slightly disturbing news from the world's innovation hub.