08/14/2014 02:15 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

HR Calls 'Personal Hygiene' Meeting, Everyone Knows It's Because of Cheryl's Perfume

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The local branch of Elisifire Incorporated called a mandatory HR meeting this Friday to discuss personal hygiene in the office. According to sources at the company, everyone knows the meeting was called because of Cheryl's fucking perfume.

"We all know why this 'hygiene meeting' is happening," Denise Rebello said. "It's because of Cheryl and her homemade perfume that smells like old burrito farts."

While Cheryl has been known to be eccentric in the office, the smell of the sage plant on her desk, her environmentally friendly air freshener, and her homemade perfume have mixed into what some are calling the "Atomic Bomb," causing more work-from-home requests than any other sector of the company.

"I don't want to stifle anyone's hobbies -- it's important to have interests outside of work," says Meredith Molina, office manager. "But Cheryl really needs to rein it in, and we all know that's what this meeting is really about."

"Listen I get it, she's quirky. I go to farmers markets, I'm not some square," says Rick from accounting. "But her perfume smells like the back seat of an unlicensed taxi."

"We like to keep our offices appropriately neutral in color and scent," Sarah Buckley confirmed. "And that can't happen when someone smells like a New York City sidewalk on garbage day."

"This is just like the time Barry stopped wearing deodorant for a week because he thought the metals in it would give him Alzheimer's," says Linda Salinas. "I don't have time for this."

Cheryl has reportedly missed the hygiene summit after leaving work for a three-day Yoga retreat.

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