THE BLOG
09/11/2014 03:26 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Quiet Friend Judging You

This post originally appeared on Reductress.com.

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After a long period of silence, your friend Amanda has silently confirmed that the entire time you thought she was sitting there quietly listening, she was, in fact, judging you.

"You know that time you told me about your idea for a blog and I didn't say anything and you were worried it was a bad idea?" says Amanda, without moving her mouth at all. "That's because it was."

Amanda, who you just noticed never says, "It's okay" after you apologize for being late, wordlessly points out that no one would ever pay you to blog about food when you can't even spell "restaurant" correctly in a text.

"It's like you never listen to yourself," she says telepathically. "You say you're thinking about joining the Peace Corps three minutes after telling me you can't live out without iced coffee."

"Like seriously, the Peace Corps?" she continues, quietly flipping through a magazine. "Didn't you freak out and cry when you saw a centipede in your closet?"

In addition to your impractical career goals, Amanda also confirms she has silently disapproved of your financial complaints when you eat out five times a week, your refusal to see a therapist because "that's what friends are for," and thinking you can change men who have specifically told you they are not ready to be in a relationship right now.

"Every time you're around a guy, you sound like a total idiot," blinks Amanda. "You really need to stop the whole 'bi-curious' thing. He got it the first time, and he's not impressed. No one cares that you made out with a girl sophomore year."

When asked why she was always so quiet, Amanda shrugged.

"A lot of reasons. But mostly because I don't ever want to sound like you or let anyone around us know that we're friends."

Amanda then sipped her tea quietly, and nodded along as you explained what you really think most people don't get about Beyoncé, silently suppressing the urge to roll her eyes at your stupid, baseless opinions.

"This is definitely going on my LiveJournal."

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