03/14/2013 05:09 pm ET Updated May 14, 2013

A Call to Arms

Sheeple of New York City, for how long will you sit back in fear as King Bloomberg robs you of your God-given rights? And citizens of Elsewhere, USA, it has long been said that as goes Manhattan, so goes the nation. Will you stand idly by as your brethren are forbidden from putting as many ounces as they want of whatever beverage they want into whatever vessel they want?

Sure, the law is being challenged. But who's to say that's going to stop Bloomberg's army from marching through the streets knocking soda cups out of the hands of obese children just because they can't run away?

If I want to fill a canoe with grape soda for lunch, that's my prerogative. One container=one serving, no matter how big the container, okay? Simple stuff. That's why they keep making bigger and bigger bags of chips. So we can eat more chips, but not more servings. Who died and gave Bloomberg the right to adjudicate what is and is not a reasonable amount of high-fructose corn syrup water with Red #4 and Yellow #7 for one human to drink at a time? Furthermore, forcing me to buy my 48oz dinner serving of Coke into three separate cups places an undue burden on me, the free market consumer; ironically, it is a burden much like the one I am placing on my pancreas every day.

Boston (Red Sox suck!) had the Boston Tea Party. Well, I call for a New York Soda Party. Let's turn the New York Harbor into a churning, wrathful froth of murky liquid. Let us make the Hudson brown with, ok, yes, pollutants and probably sewage from Tarrytown, but also soda!

Some have already asked whether they should bring guns to the Soda Party. You're obviously going to want to do that, primarily so that we can line up giant bottles of soda along the water's edge and shoot them into the bay, but also because it's the American thing to do. Did Rosa Parks give up her seat when she was asked? No! She stood and fought. And now she has her own statue in Statuary Hall. That could be you someday.

And it's no surprise that this happened under the regime of President Barack HUSSEIN Obama, either. Do they even have soda in Kenya? Probably not. So that would mean he never acquired the taste for it when he was still a little kid at the Madrasa.

What's even worse about this is that whenever Bloomberg does something bad, but comparatively minor, people get all in a flurry. And it's usually practically nothing. Yet when something truly evil happens, like forcing people to buy two 8oz cups of soda instead of one super convenient 16oz cup of the soda, where is the outrage?!

We're on a slippery slope, folks. First they came for the soda, and I did nothing, for I drink mostly coffee, you know, some fruit juice, but usually only if I go somewhere nice for brunch and it's fresh-squeezed, and who has the time or money for that these days? Then they came for the guns, and I did nothing, for I didn't see the warning signs while they were coming for the soda, and so I had no guns. And then, BOOM, welcome to Mother Russia, Comrades!

So muster your well-placed outrage and your strength, and prepare to fight fire with soda. You're gonna want to start mainlining corn syrup right into your veins. Whoever is for the Big Gulp, follow me! To the New York Harbor this Sunday at noon. We'll show Bloomberg that now he's gone too far.