When my friend Susan goes on actual dates, she does exactly the same things that most people do. She goes out to dinner. She goes to the movies. She goes to female impersonator shows. But somehow, the end result always seems to veer off course.
Sometimes, she and the guy never even make it to the actual date. On one occasion, she and her date planned a picnic. They were to meet in the parking lot near the picnic area. They had decided that they would each bring food. Susan was to bring the wine; her date was to bring an assortment of cheeses and crackers. Susan anticipated a romantic time. Subsequent events would make her less optimistic.
Her date was late, and then, when he finally arrived, she watched him circle the parking lot for about five minutes before he finally parked the car. When he did finally did pull into a parking space and Susan came over to his car, she asked him if there was a problem. He said there was no problem, but he immediately complained about the day being so warm and his wanting a soda during the drive and stopping at a 7-11 to get one, but not being willing to spend $1.50. Susan then told him that she had wanted to call him to see why he was late, but she didn't have his cell number. He told her he didn't own a cell phone because they were too expensive.
They then walked to what Susan described as "the edge of a cliff" (Susan doesn't get into parks very often). Susan carried a bottle of wine and two glasses. She noticed that her date didn't seem to be carrying anything.
By now, she was adding up all the negatives of the situation and deciding that she really just wanted to go home. She told him she wasn't feeling well, and decided to pass on the "picnic." Her date expressed concern and asked her if she wanted to just go back to his car, sit and eat the crackers and two slices of Velveeta that were in his pocket. Susan told him she was allergic to Velveeta and left. She took the bottle of wine home with her and consumed a fair amount of it that evening.
On another occasion, Susan and a man planned a movie date at a theater that was located in a shopping mall. By the time they arrived, the theater was packed, and they couldn't find seats together. Her date rearranged the entire audience by telling them he was going to propose to her and they had to sit together. One of the people who was forced out of her seat was an elderly woman with a walker. I am not making this up. The elderly woman ended up being moved to the first row, and being separated from her companion, all in the name of "love."
Susan was mortified, but she said nothing. The movie began and after about 30 minutes, Susan's date announced that he was going to get popcorn. He then disappeared for an hour. Susan considered the possibilities and decided that one of two things had occurred. Either he had a heart attack and the EMT had taken him away, not knowing that he had a date still sitting in the theater. The other possibility was that the elderly woman in the front row had beaten him senseless with her walker.
It turned out that neither of these had occurred. Her date finally returned, loaded with packages. He said he had gone shopping because he didn't like the movie. He especially needed a new pair of shoes, and luckily, he found a store that had the perfect ones. He then proceeded to dig into his shopping bag to show her. Susan was so stunned, she didn't say a word.
When the movie ended, Susan asked her date if he could just wait for her for a moment. She then walked to the front of the theater to try to find the elderly woman and ask her if she could borrow her walker. Luckily, the elderly woman was gone, thereby sparing Susan from being charged with assault with a deadly walker.
Earlier on Huff/Post50: