04/16/2014 10:33 am ET Updated Jun 14, 2014

How to Look Beautiful, Dead or Alive

Throw out every single beauty product you have. Jill Kargman, the daughter of the former chairman of Chanel (BIG money, access to all of the best beauty secrets on the planet) has revealed in the New York Times every single beauty procedure and beauty product she uses. Let's skip over the fact that Jill doesn't allow the sun to touch any part of her face or body. As she attests, her goal is to look like a corpse.

Let's also skip over the fact that Jill starts her day at 5:30 at the gym. She takes a 6 a.m. SoulCycle class. SoulCycle is named that because it goes so fast that it rips the soul out of your body and sends it spinning into oblivion. Plus you lose about 30 lbs. every time you do it.

(Note to readers: At approximately the same time that Jill is spinning away every ounce of her non-fat, LBL is most likely throwing a large pillow at Miracle the Cat, who is fond of clawing her way up LBL's silk comforter every morning, between 5:30 a.m. and 6:30 a.m.)

Now on to the products Jill swears by. LBL, not to be outdone by Jill, will reveal some of her own secrets after Jill's :

Soap: J uses Jo Malone Red Roses Shower Gel
LBL uses whatever she pilfers from various hotels and motels and whatever people give her as gifts

Face Lotion: J uses P50 1970 by Biologique (J says "it smells like something you'd pour in your car engine")
LBL uses Pennzoil (Thanks for the tip, Jo!)

Brightening Cream: J uses Shiseido Brightening Cream
LBL uses AC Moore Craft Store Glitter Glue when she feels the need for extra brightening

Facial Cream: J uses Chanel Sublimage
LBL uses nothing (once the Glitter Glue sets, nothing else will adhere to the skin)

Nighttime: J does a redo of the entire daytime routine, plus a Shiseido Brightening Mask twice a week
LBL falls asleep during reruns of General Hospital

Day Makeup: J uses the following:
MAC Face and Body Foundation
Nars Crystan Setting Powder
Lip Gloss or Sheer Lip Tint by Flower
Nars Eye Pencil with Sparkles in it

LBL uses free products that her friend gives her because she models for a skin care company

Evening Makeup: J puts on a heavier application of the MAC white and likes dark eyeshadow and glitter
LBL doesn't understand why make up has to change from day to evening, especially since you have to wash your face again

Tattoos: J has both bottom and top eyeliner tattoos and got two special tattoos to celebrate her "midlife crisis at 35″
LBL has no tattoos but she has had several pens explode on her and so knows what it is like to walk around decorated in ink.

Facials: J goes to Aida Bicaj for facials but says "I don't go regularly because I'm house-broke from my move." (to another house, a few blocks away)

LBL, as a service to readers, will now calculate how many facials one must give up in order to pay for a five million dollar house. Luxury facials in N.Y.C. run from $250 (cow placenta) up to $1000 (goodness knows whose placenta is used for this). Let's assume a mid-range $500 facial and a schedule of two facials per month. That's 24 facials per year. To make this easier for LBL, who hasn't used math since high school, let's say 25 facials per year, or $12,500. This means that it would take about 400 years to pay off the house. This is longer than LBL's current mortgage.

Lest you think after reading any of this that Kargman is nothing but a pale rich twit, rest assured she is an accomplished author. Three of her books are The Ex-Mrs Hedgefund, Arm Candy, and Momzillas and she has written a collection of essays titled "Sometimes I Feel Like A Nut." Since LBL hasn't read any of these, she can't say whether or not they give insight into any of the weighty issues that face humankind in this first part of the twenty-first century.

Kargman is soon to be a reality star. Odd Mom Out is based on Kargman's life and, according to Hollywood Reporter, "captures the outrageous world of uber-wealthy "momzillas" of New York's Upper East Side. Kargman will star and play a version of herself negating a world that has become so elite, hip and trendy that she's now the odd mom out."

LBL's psychotherapist tells her she (LBL) is actually an outcast version of herself and, when she isn't obsessively checking her WordPress stats and counting the number of subscribers she has, enjoys negating the uber-elite, uber-hip, and uber-trendy alternate universe of blogging in which she exists.