My friend Susan has had such a long, varied and rocky career as a dating single. As one of her closest and dearest friends, I listen to her tragic stories, and, as the caring, compassionate person I am, laugh myself sick.
It's tough not to. Susan seems to attract a lot of really interesting and unique men. So many, in fact, that I've decided to divide this column up into several parts. We'll start with the initial responses she gets from various men on the dating sites.( Note to any men out there who might recognize themselves in any of this: Shame on you.)
Some of the "handles" conjure up visions that make me a bit queasy:
Now for the actual words:
"I'm 62 but still active..."
Is he saying he is still sexually active or that he still has the ability to get out of bed in the morning?
"I haven't been with a woman in eight years."
If someone wrote that to me, I would immediately consult an attorney to find out which criminal offenses would result in an eight-year prison term.
"Do ya judge the book by the appearance of the cover, or do ya open the cover to find out if the table of contents captures and peaks your interest enough to read more?"
Actually, I like to scan the index first, then check out the footnotes. Sometimes, I read the jacket, but other times I flip right to the author's biography at the end...
This one is from "Looking For Busty": "I am an older, independent, very safe, straight man in good shape and I like very much the younger woman who is busty, local and in very good shape for extra-curricular activities."
Hey LFB, there are about 10,000 other guys waiting in line for her also. Good luck.
"I am looking for one woman, not two or more..."
I'm wondering about a person who has to clarify this. Has he had negative experiences with trying to find a soul mate and instead being tricked into having group sex?
"I am a very outgoing person and I always see the glass as half full. I've been told that I have a very humorist personality."
This is also called the "Will Rogers Syndrome."
"I'd like to volunteer this; I look and act a lot younger than I actually am."
I'd like to volunteer this: 95 percent of people over the age of 45 would probably write exactly the same thing about themselves. The other 5 percent would use capital letters when they write the words "a lot."
A recent poem Susan received had these lines hidden among all the others that professed undying love:
"When someone is willing to do without,
So your life is complete"
This would stop me in my tracks. This guy is either Bernie Madoff writing from his North Carolina jail cell or a man looking for someone to donate a kidney.
Susan was really excited when I told her I would write columns about her attempts at internet dating.
"You can be my blind author!" she exclaimed.
"I think you meant 'ghost writer'," I said.
Oh boy, are we going to have fun with this.