07/31/2013 11:15 am ET Updated Sep 30, 2013

Sex and the 60-Year-Old (Part 5)


Many of you, and by that I mean one person, asked if Susan were real. I have actually asked her that same question on several occasions, and she has always considered my question thoughtfully and then told me to shut up. Susan and I have been friends since 1998. She's an interesting person. Not many people have been tossed out of a country and told not to come back, immortalized in the Woodstock movie and survived a fire in such a way that a producer wanted to make a movie about her. And those are just the items I can discuss in public.

Together, Susan and I have wreaked havoc at a sweat lodge (causing a Cree elder to have a heart attack), run a speed dating company, been audited and generally gotten into more trouble than two women over the age of 50 thought could be humanly possible. In future posts, I'll write about some of our antics, but for now, I'll wrap up this series on her dating life with an episode I had forgotten to include:

When Susan agreed to my rules about coffee only and a 60-minute maximum time frame, she decided it would be a good idea to knock out (well, not literally) as many men as possible on a daily basis, and thus began setting up two coffee dates per weekend day, one per hour. The venue was a local bagel bakery in a crowded suburb of DC.

On one especially lucrative day, Susan managed to schedule three men, back-to-back. She set up a 10:00 a.m. date, went in, got a cup of coffee, sat innocently at the table in a bright Chartreuse shirt (easily identifiable so that no man would ever mistake another woman for her), and waited for her date. Enter Date #1. He found her, they chatted. After approximately 50 minutes, she walked him out the door, said goodbye in the parking lot and then headed back into the bagel place.

She touched up her lipstick, rid herself of the cup of coffee, and checked to make sure her mascara was still in place. I'm not sure why Susan felt that the act of drinking coffee would damage her mascara, unless the coffee was so hot as to make her make up evaporate, in which case, it would also have been suitable material for a lawsuit.

She purchased another cup of coffee and waited for her next victim/date. Date #2 entered, and he and Susan went through the same scenario. In 45-50 minutes, Date #2 was out the door. For her third date, Susan re-entered the bagel bakery and was handed her third cup of coffee. As she walked away from the counter to pay for it, she overheard one of the cashiers whisper to another cashier "Ah, here comes the Bagel Hooker again."