12/10/2014 03:40 pm ET Updated Feb 09, 2015

Kings of the Hill: The Congressional Holiday Ball

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Rep. Israel will be submitting a regular column to Huffington Post called 'Kings of the Hill' to offer humorous dispatches from inside the halls of Congress. Below is his first column.



TO: Members of Congress

FROM: White House Social Office

RE: Holiday Ball

Welcome to President and Mrs. Obama's Congressional Holiday Ball. To facilitate an evening free of faux pas, here are some helpful tips:

1. For your convenience, this year we have arranged for a subpoena Drop-Off, located directly adjacent to the coat check. Please do not attempt to serve the President with your subpoena while taking your picture with him. It slows the line and causes long delays.

2. The attire for the evening is black tie. T-shirts that say "Obama Sucks," "Made In Kenya," "Deport Obama," etc. should be worn discreetly under tuxedo shirts, preferably not showing through the fabric.

3. Screaming, "You Lie!" to the President when he says, "Good to see you again," is frowned upon.

4. Please do not eat those little mini hot dogs while calling the President socialist, fascist, communist, or other words ending in -st, as saliva-saturated, half-chewed food remnants tend to travel quickly from one's angrily-frothing lips.

5. All utensils are plastic. This will avoid the practice of Members stealing knives to stick in each other's backs during Leadership elections.

6. Please refrain from slipping your "granpappy's" home-brew for acid reflux into the President's jacket pocket.

7. Despite the President' s well-known sense of humor, please do not try to elicit laughter during the photo session with lines like:

a. Smile and say impeeaaaacccchhhh!

b. Smile and say repeeeaaaalllll!

c. Smile and say Prevacid!

8. A cromnibus is a form of legislation. It is not a dessert.

9. Entry to the Ball may be made at the following locations:

a. East Executive Drive

b. West Executive Drive

c. 15th and G St, NW.

d. Scaling the fence and serpentining across the south lawn.

10. Last year's joke -- giving the Vice President your valet parking receipt and asking him to "pull it around ASAP" -- was funny, like, the first fifty times. Enough. Also, the Vice President has been instructed not to run into the White House parking lot to retrieve your vehicle.

11. This year, Members of the President's Cabinet will be easily identified by "Hello, My Name Is Secretary" so-and-so. This will avoid confusion with White House servers. It will also assist you in identifying the proper Secretary for obligatory press releases demanding resignations when a project does not get funded in your district.

12. Please note: The Blue Room and Red Room are merely historic designations, not "turf." We will not tolerate a repeat of last year's "rumble," when a freshman Democrat wandered into the Red Room with a plate filled with veggies and a Pinot Noir.

13. Shutting down the federal government is not okay. Shutting down the bar is. Preferably by 8 pm.