There are many theories about what makes a marriage strong and which qualities allow a couples to grow and function well together.
I have always appreciated Dr. Robert Sternberg's concepts in the Triangular Theory of Love: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
I first read about it in Psychology Today many years ago and just the idea of those three main qualities made so much sense. And then it came up in graduate school. In his book, Cupid's Arrow, he points out: "A substantial body of evidence suggests that the components of intimacy, passion, and commitment play a key role in love over and above other attributes."
The romantic in me wants love to be the thing that sees us through, but I see the wisdom in this basic triangle as it applies to well-functioning relationships.
Here is my own interpretation of why Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment are so important for couples, as well as some addition qualities that add balance and fullness.
Intimacy: It's a sense of closeness and sharing. People who are intimate know each other. They share secret shorthand and a special language. There is this ability to share their lives deeply. They are generous with one another in many ways - generosity of spirit, love, and self. We like to give to those we are intimate with. Our intimate partners can be the "safe space" to share the worst news, or saddest feelings. Communication has a certain ease to it. Even if they are mad at one another and facing terrible challenges, there is a familiarity and closeness. I think comfort with one another is so important, as is trust.
Passion: It's the doorway into a relationship and a door that, when kept open, helps a couple and the relationship maintain vitality. Sexual passion, obviously, ebbs and flows over the lifecycle of individuals and of a couple, but it is a gift to know how to spark it within one another. I think it is essential for couples to figure out ways to keep that alive. Even through illness and aging, it helps to stay physically connected -- even if for just tender kisses and hugging. Touching is so important.
Commitment: It is obviously the glue. It gets us to the altar, or brings us toward a serious union, and that helps couples stay connected even when life does not look like it is going well. Commitment helps us to hang in when we want to walk out, and it helps us come back when we leave emotionally from time to time. It is this quality that allows people who barely know one another -- as in some arranged marriages -- to step into life together and embrace the unknown and build a life as a team.
Additional qualities: Respect, kindness, and compassion. The vow, below, expresses a lot. I interviewed the couple about what was most important to them in married life and worked this into their wedding as their vows to each other. These are important aspects of a good relationship.
On this day,
A new adventure begins.
I want you to know
That I will stand by your side,
As your partner in life.
I look forward to laughing with you,
Crying with you,
Comforting you,
And being comforted by you,
Inspiring you,
And being inspired by you
I will always cheer you on
As you follow your dreams.
And I will let you help me achieve mine.
Let us grow together,
In mind and spirit,
And stand together to face the world.
I will cherish you always.
You are my one and only true love.
Calling upon Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, I might add a blessing:
May you have Intimacy.
May you have Passion.
And may you be committed to each other and the relationship you share.