11/10/2014 04:13 pm ET Updated Jan 10, 2015

Merry F*@king Christmas

You Gentiles are crazy.

I wanted to use the word goyim but my wife insists that's not polite. She doesn't care for the title of today's piece either.

You should hear yourselves, particularly last week.

"Christ Almighty they're already starting with the X-mas ads."

"Didn't I just take down the damned Christmas lights?"

"Ho, ho, holy shit I'm not ready for this again "

Those are not verbatim quotes, but I think you'll agree there's a lot of hostility in the crisp early November air. Personally, I find it shocking. If my understanding is correct, Christmas is the most cherished holiday on the Christian calendar.

If I may draw some anecdotal generalizations, for the most part all this hostility is self-directed. That is, it's not coming from us, your older Hebraic brothers.

My people have learned how to deal with the obscene annual display of crass commercialism. We've developed our own rituals; skiing, traveling, movie-going and dining at hole in the wall Chinese restaurants, that we are largely oblivious to your unsavory Savior birthday celebrations.

We've learned to deal. And if I may speak for the Tribe at large, we find it all so amusing. Particularly how the political correctness movement has given rise to the new media-driven War on Christmas.

You see, it's not Jews who are insisting on the use of the more secular Happy Holidays in lieu of the more classic Merry Christmas. You want to put Santa and his reindeer on the roof of the White House, go for it. And we certainly have no desire to take the Christ out of Christmas.

In fact, we insist you put him back in. Strategically, it's good PR.

Jesus is often referred to as King of the Jews. Where was he born and raised? Bethlehem and Nazareth. Ipso facto, the King and his people lived, breathed and inhabited the land of Israel, a country so many these days are hell-bent on de-legitimizing.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, whatever the hell that means. Break out the ugly sweaters. Get those antlers on the SUV. Tis the season to be jolly. Put a smile on your face.

It could be worse. Christmas could be a Jewish Holiday.

If it were, you'd be eating pancakes made of flour and gritty sand to remind you of the wandering throughout the desert that Joseph and Mary had to endure to find a suitable place to give birth.

Instead of gifts under a pine tree, your ungrateful children would get small gold wrapped coins filled with frankincense and myrrh.

And every year you'd build a manger scene in your backyard. And your family would spend 12 miserable days in that shoddy hut. They'd eat bitter herbs (because we Jews love our bitter herbs), sleep on mattresses made of hay and kvetch about the spotty wi-fi off your neighbor's inappropriately named network -- Scotty's House of Chubby Porn.

So cheer up and thank your lucky stars it's not Tu B'Shevat.