THE BLOG
02/09/2011 07:08 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Someone Will Be With You Shortly

I write a lot about Islamo-fascists or Muslim extremism or Middle Eastern Neanderthals, pick whatever name suits your fancy. It, and/or they, represent the biggest threat to western civilization in my humble opinion. If I were 25 years younger I'd volunteer to serve in the CIA or Army Special Forces to fight this scourge. Surely, they could use an ad man to write snappy copy on the front lines of this global battle.

While our intelligence units have done an excellent job dismantling and scattering the leadership cells of Al Qaeda, they have adapted and splintered off into new organizations capable of horrendous terror. Last week Chechen separatists, or as I like to call them "Other Muslims", killed 35 people at a Moscow airport.

Will we ever see an end to this random butchering of innocent people?

Perhaps we've been going at it all wrong. What if, and I'm just spitballing here, instead of trying to prevent attacks on civilians we offered our Muslim brothers our least-liked people to satisfy their blood lust.

That's right, I'm suggesting human sacrifice.

It served the Aztecs well. Ancient Phoenicians and Carthaginians practiced the ritual. Even the Chinese offered up humans to their river gods.

Now you might think we'd have a difficult time agreeing on who to place on the altar of ultimate sacrifice. Red Staters. Blue Staters. Evangelicals. Atheists. Carnivores. Vegans. Heterosexuals. Homosexuals. People who signal when they are changing lanes on the freeway. People who don't.

It can be very divisive. But I think we can all concur that if there is one group of people deserving of an untimely and painful death at the hands of scimitar-waving religious fanatics, it would be the smart-ass customer service genii who came up with the phone tree.

If you've ever sought technical help with your internet service provider, if you've ever wanted to contest a charge on your credit card bill, if you've ever needed to speak to a human being about refinancing a loan, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Cue: Steely Dan's Ya Mo Be There

"Thank you for remaining on the line. We appreciate your patience, your business is important to us."

No, it's not. Say hello to Mohammed.