02/11/2013 02:19 pm ET Updated Apr 13, 2013

Advertising Guide Please

Now that TV advertising is nearing 50% of total air time (averages 40% now) I need an Ad Guide, like TV Guide, so that I can decide which ads to watch. I don't care much about which game or show or talk or news is on, but I do care about what ads are showing.

Do we really care who wins the game or which predictable plot line NCIS is running, or which little quip some host makes? Not really. What I need to know is what McDonalds is offering if ever I decide to go there, or what the car insurance guys are promising to do for me or what car I might buy if I could ever afford to buy one. Oh, and this is important: what deadly side effects I will experience if I'm ever sick enough to have to take a prescription drug.

At the moment, I mute all the shows so I can focus on the ads, and maybe, if I ever learn how to text, I can take notes and put them on Facebook for a friend to read, if I had one, and I would tell him which ads I like.

If I had Ad Guide, and it was on the internet, I could look up what was showing so I could plan my day. I really like the gadget adds late at night, you know the ones that sell you something for $19.95 and if you hurry you get two of them for the same price. That's cool. I ordered a few of those and of course they don't work and break after one use, so I don't any more, but it fun for a while. And then there's the phoney guy who sometimes drinks Dos Equis and tells me to stay thirsty, which I do.

I sometimes wonder what it will be like when the TV is nothing but ads. I bet they'll have an awards show, the Gimmies, I'd call it, like they do now for the Super Bowl of Advertising, only there won't be football any more because those guys are dying of concussions.

Anyway, I gotta go, the gecko is on -- top of the hour.