04/30/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I So Hate Winter -- and Now You Will Too!

A list of tips on getting through winter from one who's decided the W word is inhuman.

1. Forget layers. Pretend it is warm--fake it. Walk outside proudly and stupidly.
2. Get cheap flights and get out of here. Even Virginia. Just use and fly Southwest (which is now going warmly from La Guardia just to screw with JetBlue).
3. 72 degrees is what the president has the Oval Office set at. All this talk about conservation is a load of crap.
4. PS: Let's remember Al Gore lives in California--bitch.
5. Flowers. I'm not sure why but having them everywhere makes even cold days warm. Is this an ad for Teleflora; perhaps. Will they pay me?
6. Complain more. Yeah that'll sure help.
7. Go to (and favorite) Hawaii Tourism Board sites. Some aural stuff and a lot of beach vistas, even if Maui is too damn far. (Do you know the isles are seven hours in the air from LA?)
8. Stay Fat. It is more than an excuse. I believe it's butter in the winter!
9. Buy some amazing cure-alls I found at the airport dubbed WORLD'S SOFTEST SOCKS. I got to say they're cuddly and don't complain like human socks do.
10. When some freak calls from Florida to gloat, lie and say wow we're having a heat wave. Moan about the unseemliness of it. They're probably coming in some rain storm. I've been in Florida: it's all strip malls and freak storms. And airports. And strip malls. And teeny cars. And strip malls.
11. Under no circumstances go out on Sunday mornings. It's always colder when people are in church. Go to church in summer, you sin more then anyway.
12. Three people to a bed. AT least. [Each has to be told this is temporary and each sold separately.]
13. Blankies at work? Well, golly, isn't it time someone came up with that perk. Hmm, Linus Van Pelt was right.
14. Type faster. Swear you will stop thinking about the cold. Typing is warming™. I freaking own that statement now!
15. Learn what the LA Times called the biggest health scam ever: Hats do not help; in fact you can lose all that heat from your head and not get sick. Sorry, Aretha! I love you, but most hats make people look bald. Unless they're Russian.
16. Humidify. Yes it helps, so do what my Grandma did. Boil some water on a tea kettle and let it run. Those Sharper Image machines can stay at Sharper Image. Growl.
17. Drink COLD drinks. The heated cups are temporarily good. I know. I've tested this. I'm having a cold hot toddy right now.
18. Send me money. No, no wait--that's another list. My final tip is to remember that there are seven warm months in New York on average and what we're suffering through - groundhog be damned - is a fluke, temporary and unworthy. What doesn't kill you will piss you off.
Long live spring. Happy March. Remember in 15 days we will be killing Caesar.
Twitter @laermer for more of the same. Damn.