06/30/2014 09:49 am ET Updated Aug 30, 2014

Welcome to Sisyphusville

The boys of summer are doing their thing. This is the season when thoughts turn to our national pastime. Not in this house. I have been thinking about Camus' Myth of Sisyphus since my vision once again headed south and walking north toward home became such a hike. Maybe this just tells you how weird I really am. The famous essay introduces a philosophy of the absurd. Why would a man of many illnesses see the world as absurd?

A poor guy is condemned to push a boulder up a mountain and watches in horror as the rock slides down the incline again. The next day, he gets to do it again. This becomes perpetual motion. Sounds like a familiar pattern to me. Every time I visit the neurologist, I am pushing that boulder up to the fourth floor. All I can think is, look out below.

Camus wrote of man's futile search for meaning. I am with him on this one. What does an ugly illness add to the debate? Meaning? I do not think so. The man seeks clarity in the face of an unintelligible world. Clarity. Right. The author compares the absurdity of life to the situation of Sisyphus, a figure who won a larger role in Greek mythology than he probably bargained for.

I feel as if I have been cast as Sisyphus, and I am not even making minimum. I will bet you do, too. I asked my friend Merriam Webster to clarify absurdism for me. He told me it is "a philosophy based on the belief that the universe is irrational and meaningless and that the search for order brings the individual into conflict with the universe." Well, good morning.

I made an existential turn here. I have decided to stop caring so much, as if something good will grow from this. Life is absurd, not to mention arbitrary. Nothing makes sense. Due process in real life does not exist. I am not going to stop going through the motions. Burt do not ask me to believe. My expectation level has been shattered. I am lowering the bar. It is my way of holding onto sanity. I can do this. I am being true to myself. I gave up Santa Claus and survived. I know the faith community will take issue with this. I respect them. That is their right. But I have been on the roller coaster for too long, and I am feeling queasy.