06/06/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

April 5, 2010, News Update


President Obama lifts restrictions on some off-shore drilling. Gotcha! April's Fool! What? It's not an April Fool's joke? It's for real? Drill, Barry, Drill. It's all about Hope-hope we find oil.

Sarah Palin, of all people, criticizes Obama's drilling plans, points out Russians are drilling in Arctic. Which she can see from her porch.

Obama justifies decision as part of plan to reduce dependence on foreign oil. Yeah, right....that'll happen as soon as we win war on drugs.

Mexican drug wars spill over into US. Where's Zachary Taylor when we need him? (See below).

Sex scandal in Catholic Church spreads throughout Europe. Vatican circles the chariots.

Vatican official criticizes New York Times for reporting on scandal. How do you say Blame the Messenger in Latin?

Pope's personal preacher likens criticism to anti-semitism which led to Holocaust......May one ask, Father, did the Jews molest little boys?

Pope criticizes Irish priests for sex scandal in Ireland, but says nothing about allegations of own complicity in cover-ups in past.
Maybe that's how he got to be Pope?

Christians observe Easter-supposed resurrection of Jesus Christ. Can Pope's reputation be resurrected? Only if you keep the faith.

Tiger Woods holds first news conference since sex scandal. Will Pope do the same? No way-not playing in the Masters.

Will Benedict XVI abdicate? Is the Pope Catholic?

Afghan President Karzai re-elected to five-year term, blames UN and European observers for widespread vote fraud. Hey, Hamid, shut up, you won!

Karzai tells closed-door meeting he might join Taliban if he continues to come under pressure from foreigners to reform....Blow, blow thou winter wind, thou are not so unkind as man's ingratitude...Doubt that Karzai reads Shakespeare, however.

Taliban would probably welcome Karzai into their ranks-and then slit his corrupt throat.

Republican National Committee criticized for expensed item of $2000 at LA sex bondage club featuring strippers simulating Lesbian sex. Hey, what better place to discuss strategy for repealing and replacing health care reform? But it still won't help you with the gay vote.

President Obama throws out first pitch at Washington Nationals' home opener. Republicans criticize him for throwing a ball.

He certainly knows how to pitch. Spent all week on the road pitching health care reform even though it's now law.

UN threatens new sanctions against Iran unless it halts its nuclear development program. How tiresome is that? It's like asking Israel to stop building Jewish settlements in occupied Palestinian territory.

Speaking of tiresome, Jesse James (his parents obviously had a sense of humor) goes into sex rehab after caught cheating on Sandra Bullock....following Tiger Woods, David Duchovny, that ESPN guy. Yawn. What do you suppose goes on in sex rehab anyway?
Hard to think of 12 steps.

Speaking of yawn, Ricky Martin says he's gay. Why now? Maybe he was the last to know.

Somali pirates attack US Navy ship, get captured. Hey guys, lay off the hashish before you set sail.

Duke blows out West Virginia in NCAA championship semi-finals.
Game not entirely fair. Dukies kept asking Mountaineer players to spell a word before shooting.

Did you have a Good Friday?

(Zachary Taylor won War against Mexico, became President. Remember?)