08/11/2010 10:58 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Aug. 9, 2010, News Update

President Obama observes 49th birthday. Birthers say, Prove it!

Michelle not there...on vacation in Spain with daughter Sasha, Malia away at camp. Huh? Birthday comes once a year, vacation can be taken any time. Hmmm. As they say in Washington, if you want a friend, get a dog. No information on whereabouts of First Dog.

Michelle's Domain in Spain has been mainly one big pain. Sure, Spain's economy in the toilet. But so is ours! Hey Michelle, vacation spending, like charity, begins at home. Who's handling her PR, BP?

BP finally caps gushing well in Gulf of Mexico with "static kill." After several attempts at Mobil kill failed?

Republicans block passage of bill requiring corporations to disclose campaign contributions. If corporations treated like individuals in this regard, why aren't they taxed like individuals?

Senate Republicans also block passage of climate change bill, assuring plenty of hot air during fall campaign.

Elena Kagan sworn in as Supreme Court Justice. Fourth woman on High Court. When do we stop counting? When do we get female Chief Justice?

HP Chairman and CEO Mark Hurd , despite stellar performance in office, ousted following sexual harassment charges and fudging expense account reports. Guess his $1.4 million annual salary not enough to cover dinners with sexy female adviser on his own.

Woman says she had several dinners with Hurd, but no sexual relationship. See, dinner doesn't always work.

New York Times front-page headline: "Boss's Stumble May Also Trip His Company." New York Times business section headline: "Division of Roles Could Help H.P." All the News That's Fit to Print.

After years of saying he would demonstrate his innocence at trial, disgraced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich declines to take the stand. Maybe he was just having a bad hair day. Or perhaps his lawyers feared he couldn't refrain from dropping F-bombs during his testimony.

Pentagon investigation reveals thousands of mislabeled graves in Arlington National Cemetery. Not only do we send out military to die for nothing in Iraq and Afghanistan, we can't even bury them right.

California judge lifts ban on same-sex marriage....Where in the Constitution does it say members of the same sex can't get married? Besides, why do non-gays care if gays get married or not?

Stereo-equipment mogul Sidney Harman buys Newsweek Magazine for $1. Did he overpay? He's 91--Talk about optimism. Why? Maybe he just wanted to emulate Mort Zuckerman, a peddler of real estate who bought US News and World Report and the New York Daily News so he could appear on TV talks shows with real journalists. Or perhaps he just wanted to get some favorable publicity for his Congresswoman wife, Jane Harman.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg pushes for construction of giant mosque/Islamic Center near Ground Zero....calls opposition "shameful." Hey, Mike, how about a Shinto shrine at Pearl Harbor?

Former basketball star Isaiah Thomas, fired by New York Knicks for lousy performance as coach and GM amid sex scandal, rehired as consultant. New York Daily News front-page headline: "Are They Nuts?" Inside headline: "Snake Returns to Garden" (as in Madison Square). Welcome back, Isaiah......

News Update as Soap Opera Digest:

Brett Favre: Will he or won't he? How about giving him an hour on ESPN to announce his decision-with LeBron James as commentator.

Tiger Woods records worst round ever as professional. What the hell did they do to him in that sex rehab place? Maybe he should now go to golf rehab center. By the way, Tiger, lose the facial hair-makes you look sinister.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have un-reconciled. That's what happens when you don't have sex. But who cares?

Democrats planning 80th birthday bash for beleagured New York Congressman Charles Rangel. Gov. David Paterson will be emcee. That's a whole lot of corruption in same room. By the way, Dem's, how about a party for Maxine Waters to celebrate her ethics charges?