What I got for Christmas:
President Obama -- Comeback Kid of the Year Award, plus birth certificate and prayer beads.
Vice President Joe Biden -- Duct tape muzzle.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid -- He got his present on Election Day.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton -- Lump of Israeli settlement coal in stocking.
Israel -- Nothing for Christmas, but new illegal settlements for the eight days of Hannukah.
Speaker of the House-to-be John Boehner -- New coat of orange coloring and case of Kleenex.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell -- Acting coach for playing Scrooge all year long.
First Defenders at 9/11 -- Health benefits at last, after Republican filibuster. (Republicans claimed $4Billion cost should be offset by spending cuts. How about cutting $8Billiion in wasteful earmarks in Tax Cut bill, guys?).
U.S. Congress -- Relief from "disrespect" and "sacrilege" of working through Christmas holiday, as Republicans put it.
Gays in Military -- Their civil rights.
Millionaires and Billionaires -- Extension of Bush tax cuts.
Elena Kagan -- Chinese take-out.
Lame Duck session of Congress -- Walked without a limp, Hallelujah!
Daily Show host Jon Stewart -- NY Times article comparing him to Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite for his support of First Defenders Health Care bill. (What next, Nobel Peace Prize?).
Ex-President George W. Bush -- His memoir, Decision Points is a #1 bestseller on fiction list.
Sarah Palin -- Latest model grenade-launcher to blow away elks, moose, wolves and possibly Levi Johnston.
Republican presidential candidates -- Empty stockings.
Roman Catholic Church -- Midnight masses worldwide without sex scandal.
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin -- A shirt for photo ops.
Queen Elizabeth -- Large quantities of Geritol.
Iraqi Prime Minister Malaki -- A government, almost.
Afghan President Karzai -- Bundles of cash in large plastic bags so the gifts will be transparent.
Larry King -- A belt.
Hugh Hefner -- A 23-year-old fiancée and a case of Viagra.
Lady Gaga -- A Porterhouse steak bikini.
Brett Favre -- A gold watch for retirement and a camera with a magnifying lens.